Profound Assholes Volume One: Meek versus Drake

Welcome to a new series on, sponsored by and Monster Energy Zero Ultra (I wish, even though it might as well be). Today, Drizzle Sez and I discuss the greatest thing since sliced bread (not really): the Meek Mill/Drake Beef. So, we’re probably about to piss a lot of people off–and I’m probably about to be removed from the writing staff. Ah well, let’s get into it. The views and opinions expressed here are of the contributors of this think piece. In other words, yep, we discussed it just like this.

It was all good just a week and a half ago…

Speed: I’m still watching G Gundam by the way. Shit’s fucking insane.

Drizzle: What’s that thing I say? I don’t recommend anime unless it’s good.

Speed: It’s like the people behind Gurren Lagann decided to fuck around and make the most out-there Gundum they possibly could, add in some Dragon Ball Z elements, and make sure that people know that it’s not a parody, that people should take it completely serious.

Drizzle: Yeah…great, isn’t it? So, this Meek versus Drake thing.

Speed: El-Oh-El, but okay, I’mma let you finish.

Drizzle: Seriously, there’s something that actually needs to be said here. First, watching this beef has turned the black community into Twilight.

Speed: How so? I don’t see any sparkly-ass, fairy dust vampires. And I don’t see Kristen Stewart’s non-acting ass anywhere, thank God. I did, however, find this. (Shows the following picture)

Photo Credit:

Drizzle: People are either “Team Drake” or “Team Meek,” which is, y’know, kind of how most beefs go. This is this rap generation’s version of Jay Z versus Nas, Biggie and Pac. And more likened to Can-I-Bus versus LL. But more on that later.

Speed: But, those beefs were actually, oh I don’t know–good in value for hip-hop. This is more like just meme-worthy bullshit. But, continue.

Drizzle: The issue is that, instead of taking sides based on anyone’s validity, it’s turned into a dick riding contest. I’m listening to the radio and I hear Drake’s shit left and right and a snippet–not even a verse, but a fucking snippet–of Meek’s cut because the DJ said he didn’t fuck with it. That was before Meek even started rapping! That’s some straight Drake johnson riding shit right there.

Speed: What do you expect, though? Drake came with two tracks. Meek already dug a hole for himself among some of the rap community.

Drizzle: But, what are they even beefing over? What made Meek say shit about Drake…on Twitter? No one knows! I mean, Drake was on Meek’s last album.

Speed: I think it has something to do with ghostwriting. But, come on, everyone has ghostwriters/reference tracks. I don’t see people saying “Fuck Kanye” because it came out that Kendrick had a reference track for Ye for the “All Day” flow and rhyme scheme.

Drizzle: But, Pac thought Biggie had him shot. That’s a legitimate thing. Nas thought that Jay-Z owed him money. Again, a legitimate thing. Why did Meek go at Drake? Why did Drake get in his feelings? Other than, y’know, because he’s Drake. I’ll tell you why: Meek was actually right. Drake does use ghostwriters. And I don’t care what people say. The shit was documented.

Speed: This is true…it’d seem anyways. Funk Flex, as much as I despise the bomb-dropping SOB for dropping bombs every two fucking seconds because reasons, he’s a legend and he posted the reference tracks on Soundcloud and other outlets. But, again, maybe it’s just like a reference track thing. The jig is up on that side of the music game is up. It’s kind of been up. So, what now?

Drizzle: Kia Shine did get a Grammy nod for “Best I Ever Had” and that’s in the Grammy Database. I don’t care what dick riders say. That’s why Drake is going so ham. He must’ve hired Olivia Pope because his strategy has been to control the media, at all costs, on this. I mean, think about it. Who makes two diss tracks back to back?

Speed: I see what you did there.

Drizzle: Who donates money to schools for beef (Ed. Note: the donation actually occurred in March 2015, but received a big boost in attention around the time of the beef)? Who sends Charlemagne bottles? And then floods all of that onto social media? I’ll tell you who: a nigga who wants you to see only what he wants you to see.

Speed: Both of them are guilty of this, to be for real about it.

Drizzle: But Drake doesn’t want anyone to realize that Meek was right. So, he goes nine types of in on the dude, hoping that he’ll control the message. Which brings me to my fifth point: I honestly think that Drake will win the fistfight, but Meek will win the war.

Speed: I don’t know, especially in today’s hip-hop’s society. Explain.

Drizzle: Drake is overflowing the media on this. And his dick riders are riding true. But, at the end of the day, it’s like Can-I-Bus versus LL with a bit of Drake versus Nas.

Speed: You mean Jay, right?

Drizzle: Shaddup, you know what I mean! The only reason Can-I-Bus lost was because LL was more popular before the beef. When you listen to the tracks from back then [“1-2-3-4,” “2nd Round Knockout,” etc.], Bus demolished LL. Meek has a similar problem.

Speed: So, what? Meek is like LL mixed with Nas? People think he’s been destroyed on his own shit and that he’s just lobbing bombs at this point, praying something sticks?

Drizzle: Drake was ridiculously popular. Meek? He’s just successful.

Speed: The Drake jabs continue (laughs).

Drizzle: But, you look at the difference in fan bases. Drake’s popularity comes from the fact that he holds both the ratchets and the yuppies and even the white people. The problem is: the yuppies and whites are being turned away because of this. Drake was “on” with those two demographics because he was viewed as a more “mature” rapper and now? He’s just acting childish and people notice this.

Speed: But the yuppies always claim they want “the real.” The irony.

Drizzle: Meek, on the other hand, only had ratchets. And ratchets go with who’s trending.

Speed: See all the [artist] Hives for further examples.

Drizzle: Right now? Drake is trending, he’s in. But, soon? The same people who’ve elevated him, they’ll abandon him. Then, Meek will drop nine dimes in that period. Also, why can’t Drake get the girl? (Laughs)

Speed: But, by that time, will anyone besides diehards really give a shit? This is fast food rap we’re talking about these days. And Drake can’t get the girl because he opens up too much and the feels floodgates keep going. He’s admitted to that much at least.

Drizzle: That’s the beauty of the business. “Just spin it a million times and they’ll love it!” Look at Rae Sremmurd.

Speed: They have some decent tracks.

Drizzle: (Blank stare at Speed) …I’ll leave this convo with this.

Speed: They make decent turn-up songs, at least…

Drizzle: (Shows the following picture) 

Speed: Ok, that’s pretty awesome. Makes me forget all the headshakingly bad awkwardness in hip-hop these days. So, three questions. What does meek need to do to win the whole thing? Like, full-on win? What does Drake need to do to “end Meek” and keep the media on him? And, the “public,” what should they do?
Drizzle: Meek? Get Nicki pregnant. Yesterday. Drake? Full stop. Don’t do anything more. As for the public? Demand a rap battle…or a death battle. Y’know, whichever one floats your boat.
Speed: Speaking of Nicki, she’s been so quiet. Guess she’s dealing with Safaree’s cooning.
Drizzle: No. She’s the key here and she knows it. Her man, and her forever friendzoned are beefing.
Speed: She’s like the goddamned Golden Albatross of this whole thing. Also, I’ve got to, excuse me Charlamagne, give a Donkey of the Day to Safaree for trying to weasel his way into this. His lifeline’s just about run out in this race.
Drizzle: His lifeline was “I fucked Nicki and dumped her.” But, and this is a huge but, if Meek went all ‘MURRICA! and fought on two fronts and took Safaree to church as well, Nicki would be hop on his side.
Speed: But, rappers these days? Most are single-tracked in their thought process. That’s what made, for instance, a Jay versus Nas great. Jay went at Nas, but still could go at Mobb Deep, 50, and so on. So, it’s really, at this point, Drake versus Meek, Nicki versus Safaree, Safaree versus Nicki and Meek–jeez, this reads like a Degrassi episode. And whatever it takes, I know I can make it through the fuckery.
Drizzle: Well, we do have Wheelchair Jimmy. 
Speed: All we need now is for Ashley to drop the deleted Jimmy track and Cassie Steele to drop her top in real life. (Goes online and finds the following picture)

Speed: Close enough, for now. But, in closing, let’s just look at the fuckery and be slackjawed at its fuckiness. So, until next time, remember: if we didn’t offend you and make you really think, we’re not doing out jobs. We may have an update on this one after this weekend. 
Speed on the Beat

Whatever you need to know about me, you can find out on Dad of two, cat dad (of two), mental health advocate, Team Support Dope Music in All Its Forms.

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