Profound Assholes Volume Two: Worst Artists

Yep, we’re back at it. After getting under some skins, Drizzle Sez and I are back for volume two of our Profound Assholes series, sponsored by DefineARevolution.com, Multi-Grain Cheerios (look, True, it’s spreading!), and Folger’s Coffee. Folgers: The brand of coffee I drank to stunt my growth about two feet. But, today, we’re talking worst artists. This all derived from a request for an article.

Speed: So, can you write an article on Lil’ B?

Drizzle: No. That’s the argument.

Speed: So…you’re anti Lil’ B, then?

Drizzle: No, the whole article would be like this. “So, I asked Drizzle to write about Lil’ B. He said ‘no.’ G’night, everybody!”

Speed: (Laughs) Alright, well, let’s skip that one because, yeah…what about worst artist out?

Drizzle: Iggy Azalea.

Speed: Why?

Drizzle: (Laughs and shows the following GIF)

Iggy is that…thing. She’s the epitome of what is wrong with Earth. She embodies everything I hate. Everything.

Speed: For instance, white women who appropriate black culture, but somewhat seem to actually hate black people? Lyrical blackface?

Drizzle: Let me run down the list. She’s a wigger. She’s a racist. She has popularity because of racism. She’s fake. She’s scared. She’s given opportunities for nothing. She’s fake, again. Racist a third time. She shoves the disparity of the business in our face. And to add insult to injury, she fucking sucks at rapping. I could literally write a book on how she offends me personally and my culture. I could earn a doctorate off the dissertation I’d write on how her lyrics suck all types of ass. I’d be on a Senate Committee for an investigative document on how she’s hurting our kids.

Speed: So, Azalea Banks was right, in your opinion. I agree with you, but I wonder how you feel about Azalea Banks and company, thankfully, destroying what little credibility Iggy had left.

Drizzle: It transcends her credibility. She demonstrates evil by existing.

Speed: This…this is true. And people, they’ll continue to lap it up. I guess it goes back to your point on Rae Sremmurd in volume one.

Drizzle: I hate to be “racist,” but most white rappers can’t fucking rap! But, they break fucking records in sales because they’re white.

Speed: Macklemore. Vanilla Ice. Later-era Eminem. I don’t care. Look at most of Em’s later stuff. If you can say it’s GOAT material with a straight face, I’ma look at you funny.

Drizzle: The fact that Hoodie Allen–

Speed: Fuck Hoodie, by the way, but continue.

Drizzle: The fact that Hoodie Allen is gaining way, even though he’s literally Drake–he actually redoes his songs–is despicable. And don’t you downtalk Em. Em is amazeballs. And I’ll tell you why.

Speed: But I said “later-era Em.” So, like Recovery, MMLP2 Eminem.

Drizzle: Em didn’t lie to us. He didn’t emulate us. He didn’t preach to us. He got on the mic and rapped about trailer park trash and it was real and raw and amazing. He put his heart on those tracks. And, yes, white people loved it because he was white. But, hip-hop loved it because it was pure hip-hop.

Speed: Sidestepping, kind of, that later Em is kind of trash.

Drizzle: But, he’s still true. He even said it was wack.

Speed: But, yet, he continues down that same “wack” path, in some ways. For instance, the Rihanna collabs that are all, in essence, the same fucking song.

Drizzle: One day, you’re gonna feel stupid for saying that.

Speed: Eh.

Drizzle: Follow your heart. That’s what he’s doing. And like Kingdom Come–still Jay’s worst album–you’ll listen to it all years later and think “shit wasn’t bad, it was actually deep.” That’s what I think about the Rihanna tracks. But never–in yo’ life–compare Eminem to Iggy.

Speed: They’re deep, to a degree. The story could’ve been told with one, though. I get why the back and forths. So, overall? Most white rappers aside from Eminem are Satan’s curse to hip-hop?

Drizzle: The point is: white people can rap. Some of which can rap pretty well.

Speed: True. Word to AWKWORD and other artists like him.

Drizzle: But, they don’t get popular from merit and that enrages me. It’s like white people ignore rap until it comes from a white mouth. But, Iggy? I knew what it was one line in to “Fancy.”

“First things first, I’m the realest.”

…LYING BITCH! I can’t even find the Tropic Thunder meme I want! That’s how angry I am! (pauses to check phone) Wait. Found it on YouTube (plays the following video).

Speed: Such a great movie. Full of so-many (politically incorrect, but valid) points. I think my worst artist would have to be–

Drizzle: I’m not done. Iggy is a cashcow. Can’t lie about that.

(Speed cues up the “Shining Finger” theme from the G Gundam soundtrack for the epicness to follow)

Drizzle: And it’s what THAT represents further throws her down the rungs. When Eddie Van Halen played the guitar on “Beat It,” he charged Michael Jackson nothing. He did it as a favor. A fucking favor! That was a period of art. That was timeless. Iggy represents the death of that. She makes money so her shit is shoveled down your throat so that you buy buy buy–and ultimately waste money–because you get damned tired of it. Fuck her.

You may opine now.

Speed: So, my worst artist? Even though I like some of his moments, I’d have to say Young Thug.

Drizzle: Not Lil’ Bibby?

Speed: Young Thug is essentially guy Iggy. He’s a carbon copy/appropriation of Lil’ Wayne. And I’m not even talking good Lil’ Wayne. I’m talking “I’m kissing Baby on the lips in white with my leg up like I’m fucking Aubrey Hepburn” Wayne. I’m talking “I’m ‘blooded out’ now, even though I had on blue in the ‘Back Dat Azz Up’ video” Wayne. I’m talking “I’m using Auto-Tune because I don’t really have shit else to do because reasons” Wayne.

Drizzle: It’s the incomprehensible high-pitched squeal, isn’t it?

Speed: Eh. Prince squeals, and he’ll die a fucking legend. No Drake. Thug is the reason why oldheads continuously get their old asses stuck in the nineties. Thug is the guy you trot out in front of “high class society” and say “hey, look at the niggers coon!” His music is barely worth the bandwidth used to download it. Hell, even in the trap/drill/WTFever genre, there are people who do his job better. In terms of just plain hip-hop, him and Iggy need to sit on a railroad spike.

Drizzle: I appreciate your opinion. But, the world doesn’t pay attention to coons. It does however pay attention to Iggy.

Speed: To make matters worse, he says “fuck Ferguson.” Afterwards, he goes to meet with Farrakhan and take photos. Like, dude! You are a pawn. And you’re HAPPY being a pawn! The fuck is that shit?

Drizzle: And most white people have no idea who Thug or Farrakhan are…but they’ve got The New Classic all up and down their iPod playlists.

Speed: I say just get rid of all the shucking and jivin’, period. Yeah. Party rap and turn up is cool. I like to knuck when I’m buck, too. Throwback on they ass. But, I don’t know…something about this new wave is…weird and not in a way I get. Maybe I’m getting old. But, I’m not really a fan outright.

Drizzle: Thank. You. Shit, what happened to getting crunk?

Speed: Happy ignorance! Where, yeah, there may be a fight during “Head Bussas.” But, people shook hands afterwards or squashed shit at the club or the party, most the time. Shit, look at all the shit we got into in college. But now? Niggas just wanna go get the guns and shoot everybody for no reason. Fuck all that. Square up.

Drizzle: Like, we didn’t lie about our fuckery. We were like “this is fuckery. It’s not ‘rappity rap.’ This is crunk. And it’s fun!” But, we didn’t have social media to muck shit up.

Speed: True. It always comes back to social media these days it seems.

Drizzle: Things are less violent, but…what happened to manly?

Speed: Like I said, people’d rather get the strap than just square up. They equate guns and killing everyone in their way. Nah, that’s the pussy way out. If you’ve got beef with me, see me. Musically or hand to hand. Miss me with the “oh, nigga, I’ma get you wet up with the innocent women and children aim position” bullshit. Where’s the soul in that? Big K.R.I.T. was right (laughs).

Drizzle: I feel you. Show me your hands. Fuck, I challenge you to a duel. If you can’t say that to a nigga’s face…?

Speed: True, as long as we’re not talking Yu-Gi-Oh. Fuck that.

Drizzle: (Laughs) Nah. Old hickory pistols at dawn.

Speed: Ten step and draw?

Drizzle: Yep. Or, even better, trial by combat. Game of Thrones shit.

Speed: Rappers slicing each others’ heads off. Hmmm…I like it. Maybe it’ll cut down on the fuckery. As an aside, I finally saw the first appearance of the “Super Saiyan Shining Gundam.”

Drizzle: (Laughs)

Speed: It was amazing. “This hand of mine glows with an AWESOME power…”

Drizzle: The music for that scene was legit. Just…well done.

Speed: Yes! So far, this series has to have one of the best soundtracks I’ve heard. And I’ve seen a lot of anime.

Drizzle: So, what are you watching it on?

Speed: YouTube. Can’t find it anywhere else.

Drizzle: Ah, the YouTube. I need to rip that soundtrack.

Speed: Do you have a better quality to watch the show? I mean, the OST is on YouTube as well.

Drizzle: I want it on my phone. Also, find beer and a hot tub.

Speed: Wait, what?

Drizzle: Fine. Find a hot tub. I’ll get beer. Preferably somewhere rural so I can blast music.

Speed: Yeah…I’m unsure of that. HoCo? Frederick? I mean, my hot tub salesman is out for the rest of the week.

Drizzle: Fair enough.

Speed: So, for those reading all of this amazingness, that brings volume two of Profound Assholes to a close. If you fuck with it, share it and all that good stuff. If you think otherwise, you know where to find us. Because if we haven’t offended you in some way while making you think, we haven’t done our jobs.