Yep, we’re back at it. After getting under some skins, Drizzle Sez and I are back for volume two of our Profound Assholes series, sponsored by DefineARevolution.com, Multi-Grain Cheerios (look, True, it’s spreading!), and Folger’s Coffee. Folgers: The brand of coffee I drank to stunt my growth about two feet. But, today, we’re talking worst artists. This all derived from a request for an article.
Drizzle: No. That’s the argument.
Speed: So…you’re anti Lil’ B, then?
Drizzle: No, the whole article would be like this. “So, I asked Drizzle to write about Lil’ B. He said ‘no.’ G’night, everybody!”
Speed: (Laughs) Alright, well, let’s skip that one because, yeah…what about worst artist out?
Drizzle: Iggy Azalea.
Drizzle: (Laughs and shows the following GIF)
Drizzle: It transcends her credibility. She demonstrates evil by existing.
Speed: This…this is true. And people, they’ll continue to lap it up. I guess it goes back to your point on Rae Sremmurd in volume one.
Drizzle: I hate to be “racist,” but most white rappers can’t fucking rap! But, they break fucking records in sales because they’re white.
Speed: Macklemore. Vanilla Ice. Later-era Eminem. I don’t care. Look at most of Em’s later stuff. If you can say it’s GOAT material with a straight face, I’ma look at you funny.
Drizzle: The fact that Hoodie Allen–
Speed: Fuck Hoodie, by the way, but continue.
Drizzle: The fact that Hoodie Allen is gaining way, even though he’s literally Drake–he actually redoes his songs–is despicable. And don’t you downtalk Em. Em is amazeballs. And I’ll tell you why.
Speed: But I said “later-era Em.” So, like Recovery, MMLP2 Eminem.
Drizzle: Em didn’t lie to us. He didn’t emulate us. He didn’t preach to us. He got on the mic and rapped about trailer park trash and it was real and raw and amazing. He put his heart on those tracks. And, yes, white people loved it because he was white. But, hip-hop loved it because it was pure hip-hop.
Speed: Sidestepping, kind of, that later Em is kind of trash.
Drizzle: But, he’s still true. He even said it was wack.
Speed: But, yet, he continues down that same “wack” path, in some ways. For instance, the Rihanna collabs that are all, in essence, the same fucking song.
Drizzle: One day, you’re gonna feel stupid for saying that.
Drizzle: Follow your heart. That’s what he’s doing. And like Kingdom Come–still Jay’s worst album–you’ll listen to it all years later and think “shit wasn’t bad, it was actually deep.” That’s what I think about the Rihanna tracks. But never–in yo’ life–compare Eminem to Iggy.
Speed: They’re deep, to a degree. The story could’ve been told with one, though. I get why the back and forths. So, overall? Most white rappers aside from Eminem are Satan’s curse to hip-hop?
Drizzle: The point is: white people can rap. Some of which can rap pretty well.
Speed: True. Word to AWKWORD and other artists like him.
Drizzle: But, they don’t get popular from merit and that enrages me. It’s like white people ignore rap until it comes from a white mouth. But, Iggy? I knew what it was one line in to “Fancy.”
“First things first, I’m the realest.”
…LYING BITCH! I can’t even find the Tropic Thunder meme I want! That’s how angry I am! (pauses to check phone) Wait. Found it on YouTube (plays the following video).
Speed: Like I said, people’d rather get the strap than just square up. They equate guns and killing everyone in their way. Nah, that’s the pussy way out. If you’ve got beef with me, see me. Musically or hand to hand. Miss me with the “oh, nigga, I’ma get you wet up with the innocent women and children aim position” bullshit. Where’s the soul in that? Big K.R.I.T. was right (laughs).
Drizzle: I feel you. Show me your hands. Fuck, I challenge you to a duel. If you can’t say that to a nigga’s face…?
Speed: True, as long as we’re not talking Yu-Gi-Oh. Fuck that.
Drizzle: (Laughs) Nah. Old hickory pistols at dawn.
Speed: Ten step and draw?
Drizzle: Yep. Or, even better, trial by combat. Game of Thrones shit.
Speed: Rappers slicing each others’ heads off. Hmmm…I like it. Maybe it’ll cut down on the fuckery. As an aside, I finally saw the first appearance of the “Super Saiyan Shining Gundam.”
Speed: It was amazing. “This hand of mine glows with an AWESOME power…”
Drizzle: The music for that scene was legit. Just…well done.
Speed: Yes! So far, this series has to have one of the best soundtracks I’ve heard. And I’ve seen a lot of anime.
Drizzle: So, what are you watching it on?
Speed: YouTube. Can’t find it anywhere else.
Drizzle: Ah, the YouTube. I need to rip that soundtrack.
Speed: Do you have a better quality to watch the show? I mean, the OST is on YouTube as well.
Drizzle: I want it on my phone. Also, find beer and a hot tub.
Speed: Wait, what?
Drizzle: Fine. Find a hot tub. I’ll get beer. Preferably somewhere rural so I can blast music.
Speed: Yeah…I’m unsure of that. HoCo? Frederick? I mean, my hot tub salesman is out for the rest of the week.
Drizzle: Fair enough.
Speed: So, for those reading all of this amazingness, that brings volume two of Profound Assholes to a close. If you fuck with it, share it and all that good stuff. If you think otherwise, you know where to find us. Because if we haven’t offended you in some way while making you think, we haven’t done our jobs.