PA (short for “Profound Assholes”) is a series on SpeedontheBeat.com where I have a no-punches-pulled conversation with a friend about a hot-button issue (yay cliches!). That friend is usually none other than Drizzle Sez formerly of DrizzleSez.wordpress.com, who co-created the PA format (go check out his site. It’s still live and still kicks much ass to this day). Today, we’re speaking on…well, look at the title.

Drizzle: Bruh…I had a good belly laugh today.

Speed: Regarding?

Drizzle: (laughs) Oh shit. Where to start? I have many encounters with the human race every day. But one? One had me on the Obama side eye. 

Speed: I assume this was a woman, or someone you had a close encounter with.

Drizzle: It was!

Speed: Gasp. (laughs)

Drizzle: I know! Now, I’m no sexist. But, the fuck? I pray for certain people.

Speed: So…what happened. 

Drizzle: Fuck what happened. It’s what didn’t happen that’s important. I didn’t give one measly fuck. Like, why does a girl I used to date–or women I used to bone in general–feel the need to contact me and tell me how great their life is now? Does that shit happen to every dude? 

Speed: It’s happened to me. Either that or women who I used to be involved with, they’ll tell me they’ve been coping with “life” through self-medicating means. Most of those occurrences aren’t my fault, by the way, 

Drizzle: But, it’s always our fault. We obviously pick women who can’t take responsibility for shit. Like, this girl, in the midst of telling me how great her life is…she’s, like , implying that it’s great because I dumped her

Speed: Wait…dafuq?

Drizzle: Now she didn’t say this. But why in the seven fucks would you feel the need to tell me that you’re all fixed and you fixed all the problems you had when you were with me AND tell me that you’ve got a new dude?

Speed: Maybe to spark jealousy? Also, maybe to be like “fuck you, you good-for-nothing ass nigga?”

Drizzle: But WAIT! She wants me to write a PA article about her–

Speed: Well…?

Drizzle: Well, specifically about “us.”

Speed: You and her?

Drizzle: Or more specifically, she’s trying to figure out if, during our PA talks, I talk about “us.”

Speed: That’s a bit obsessive.

Drizzle: In truth, yes, a few examples–I won’t name which–were of shit that she said and did.

Speed: Figured as much.

Drizzle: Completely at random, though. I’ll eventually talk about them all. Just depends on who is important to the convo.

Speed: Figured that much as well. So, essentially, “she” is trying to figure out if these songs are about her. She’s so vain.

Drizzle: Punny. But, if she wants a convo…here it is. We dated, we had ups and downs–more downs than ups. And it’s over. She shouldn’t care. I mean, I don’t.

Speed; True. But, she will. Why? Because you don’t. That plus she probably still cares about you in some way.

Drizzle: (sarcastically) No shit.

Speed: What, you want me to go in?

Drizzle: I’m waiting (begins tapping feet).

Speed: Fine. Well, she’s probably holding out hope that you and her will work out. In some way, at the least. That’s how most fucked-up relationships end for most. I mean, look at some of the women we’ve dated and’ve tried to make it work because hope rules all? It’s human nature to want that which we can’t have.

It’s also fucking stupid. It’s the equivalent of insanity.

She, whoever she is, is possibly insane. She cares about a man who doesn’t want shit to do with her and has made that abundantly clear. But, somewhere, for whatever reason, in the pit of her soul, it eats at her. It eats at her that she wasn’t able to make you say “ay gurl. I luv you. Let’s get married and let me change every fucking thing about myself to make sure I match your specifications of what perfection is.”

Drizzle: Slowest of claps.

Speed: I feel bad for her. I want to give her a cup of tea and a blanket and say “hey girl. You’re being stupid. But, it’ll be okay.” But, then? I kind of don’t.

Drizzle: I wasn’t perfect, either. But, no one is. To me, it was a bad, but right, ending. We weren’t going to work.

Speed: But, she doesn’t–or won’t–accept that in some ways.

Drizzle: She SAID she’s got a new person.

Speed: …I can say I’ve fucked eight hundred bitches long-dick style in their assholes. It doesn’t make it true. I can also say I’ve killed a bear with nothing more than a piece of string. While an amazing feat, just saying it doesn’t make it true.

Drizzle: I’d pay to see one of those things.

Speed: …I hope it’s the latter.

Drizzle: (side eyes Speed) Anyway, if she’s got a new man? I’m actually happy. Why? Because “Good! Now she has someone else to bother” is my thought. But alas. We both believe she in for…don’t call it a comeback.

Speed: (laughs) So…a good old-fashioned rebound? Ah well. How long has it been since y’all stopped talking? That way, I can know how lost this young soul truly is.

Drizzle: I don’t fuckin’ know.

Speed: If that’s the case, she really is bonkers–

Drizzle: Nonono. We can’t assume she’s nuts–

Speed: Alright, delusional, then.

Drizzle: Neither. She just might miss me. No matter, though. That ship has sailed, sanked, and Krakened.

Speed: That’s somehow worse than what I was about to say, “nuked.” I mean, people have survived nukes. But, krakens are usually a sheer death sentence. Ah well. Shit happens. Just like we used to say all those years ago, damn near a decade.

Drizzle: When you look at it, it’s like “why?” What’s so great that you need to embarrass yourself for it?

Speed: Maybe she still wants the D? I don’t know.

Drizzle: She stopped wanting the D towards the end. It’s one of the reasons FOR the end. In reality, it ended because my trust in her was zero.

Speed: Ah. Makes sense.

Drizzle: I mean, in the beginning? The child lied to me about everything. It’s a long list, brother.

Speed: Damn. That long? Sheesh.

Drizzle: But once she went all “no sex for Jesus,” it was easier to believe that she caught The Bug and didn’t wanna pass it to me.

Speed: So, wait…she was torched as well as touched?

Drizzle: I don’t know, but it’s easier to believe that than it is to believe she, on the fly, found Jesus. I mean, she had addiction issues AND was caught cheating with multiple niggas.

Speed: Yeah…it’s possible. For both, mind you. But, it’s easier to believe, based off what you just said, that she just got burned.

Drizzle: Didn’t matter. I don’t care if everything she ever said was 100. The place where I was laying my head back then? I put cameras up because it was a bad hood. I caught her fucking on other niggas in my crib. On cam, dawg! I don’t give a fuck how much Jesus you found. The last nigga you fucked on wasn’t him and I watched–

Speed: Wait, why watch?

Drizzle: ‘Cause some shit? You just don’t process it until it’s done.

Speed: True. Like, my mom’s funeral or watching someone you love and shit betray you in such a manner. 

Drizzle: The first time? I said shit about it. But that’s real. You just…can’t after that. I wasn’t perfect. I learned a lot. But, some shit? You gotta lay the smack on. Now I ain’t hit her. Never would. But I just said…”it’s over.”

Speed: So, she was touched enough in the head to do this multiple times in your place. The same place which had cameras and so on–

Drizzle: She ain’t know about the footage.

Speed: Oh, okay. Otherwise, I’d have to further question her intellectual capacity.

Drizzle: It wasn’t right, bruh. But now? She wants to tell me she’s someone? People are a trip.

Speed: People also ain’t shit. We’ve known this for a while now. So, why is she so concerned with the PA articles and if we’re speaking on her? Shit…if every woman I spoke on did that, do you know where I’d be? Nowhere. Except for dealing with more bullshit (laughs).

Drizzle: Yeah…I’m mushing her on that one. 

Speed: Maybe her Jesus will save her from fuckery. Or maybe KFAJ will come and save her from herself.

Drizzle: Praise be to Kung Fu Action Jesus. But, yeah. Why they be doing that?

Speed: Some just be stoopid, yo.

Drizzle: True, true.