Drizzle: So, I’m at this cheerleading competition. And I understand most dudes’ aversion to cheerleading competitions. “We pad up while they do each others hair.” “We handshake at the end of the game while they…have a dance party?”
No, I shit you not. I’m here and they replaced the “good game” handshake with a dance party. But! Let me be clear. These girls are bad-ass motherfuckers.
Drizzle: The very same. Yes, I like my exhibitive sports like any manperson. Those are sports where you’re in direct competition with the other party. That’s, like, boxing, football, et cetera.
Speed: Well, who doesn’t? Because sportsball and such.
Drizzle: But, sometimes you wanna see some acrobatic shit. One of the reasons anime fights are cool. Robots the size of the Chrysler Building doing backflips with ninja-like abilities? Sign me up.
Speed: Plus, you get crazy shit like The Mickey Mouse Super Sentai combo—
Drizzle: Stop that. But, yeah. There are similarities. So, after seeing the influx of makeup that ultimately doubles their weight, and seeing the ridiculous hair prep that is ultimately plastic…the girls are disregarded at this point.
Drizzle: Because we ignant as shit.
Speed: True. But, why are they discarded initially?
Drizzle: So, I’m sitting here in the stands. Hood up. Fighting off sleep. Y’know, being an ignant negus. I’m here listening to the blend pop music they perform to…and then a bunch of little girls hit the floor–
Drizzle: Stick with me. So, I’m like “ok, they finna do some spins, a backflip and shit, then run around all choreographed.” I’ve seen Bring it On. So, I know what’s about to happen, right?
Drizzle: Wrong! This girl couldn’t have been more than nine-years-old. But, she Wolverine Fastball Special’ed this even younger girl at least TEN FEET in the damn air.
Speed: So, like this?
Drizzle: Even better. So, after this even-younger girl does some Heavyarms Gundam spinning in mid-air, she’s caught in a RUNNING CATCH by, like, three other girls. Ok, you’ve hooked me in.
Speed: Holy shitballs!
Drizzle: Quite. So, I’m watching in fascination to these little girls doing the plays we holler about on the football field. Except instead of a football, they’re doing it with a LIVE, SPINNING HUMAN BEING! At that point, I’m like “let me watch this shit so I can put down some of these stereotypes.”
So, Speed? The fuck you think of when you think of “cheerleaders?”
Speed: I used to be one of those folk who’d be like “oh, this is kind of weak. Sure, if you’re legally perving out, college and professional cheerleaders could be an excuse for booty buttcheeks and they do some pretty cool flippy-do shit. Other than that? Eh.”
But, after actually sitting down to legitimately watch some competitive cheerleading and gymnastics? I came to realize that these men and women, boys and girls? They’re out there going Super Saiyan tossing each other in the air while dancing. It’s like the Fusion Dance, but less weird and more bad ass. No, stop what the fuck you’re doing and watch some competitive cheerleading. Be amazed, dammit.
Gymnastics, of course, is also friggin’ insane. And they earn the right to dab and Nae Nae all they want considering what they’re out there doing.
Ok, you’re done watching some cheerleading and gymnastics? Good. Let’s get back into the PA.
Drizzle: Oh, well look at you being progressive. I ain’t gonna lie. First thing that pops in my head is “easy pussy.” Nah, but for really, though? Most motherfuckers think of cheerleading as “some shit that girls do while dudes play sports that later became a ‘pretend’ sport because people passed Title IX through Congress.”
To them ignorant asshats, I say this. You go out and and try to throw you fam through the air, catch ’em–after doing a backflip, no less–and see how well that shit turns out.
Speed: I see it ending badly.
Drizzle: I see it ending greatly. Go Darwin Go.
Speed: I agree with this statement.
Drizzle: But, now? I’m sitting here. I’m still sitting here and I’m quickly realizing that these things are like Negasonic. Snarky awesomeness followed by long, brooding silences.
Speed: Movie Negasonic of Comics Negasonic?
Drizzle: Doesn’t fuckin’ matter. Either still proves my point.
I’d kill to drink a beef, lift weights, take a piss–while on my goddamned tippietoes–and eat a medium rare steak just to offset the girly and the boredom.
Speed: But, you’re there for a reason, man.
Drizzle: Yep. Because I’m a caring person and shit. Listen up, people. When you care about people, you do shit you wouldn’t usually do.
Speed: True that. Look at me!
Drizzle: I literally could be a MAGFest right now.
Speed: I could’ve been doing some combo of that and working on some DAR stuff. Instead, I’m here, making sure my family’s good, making sure no one’s depressed, making sure my toilets are further overflowing and/with shit and so on. I’m here making sure the house is taken care of. Why? Not because I’m trying to overcompensate or something, but because I love the family and shit.
Drizzle: Agreed. And they’ll never know what we give up for ’em. Unless…
Speed: Unless, what?
Drizzle: Unless they read PA, of course.
Speed: True. With kids and/or SOs, you start to expand your horizons. Cliche, I know, but you have to in order to keep things going. So you’re expanding your horizons and shit and doing things you would, outside of a relationship of this nature, be like “fuck outta here” to. For instance, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to Chuck E. Cheese over the past couple years because of either my own kids’ birthday or one of their friends. I feel like Chuck E. probably knows me by heart. But, that horizons goes back to the cheerleading and gymnastics which started this PA.
…and now, my Cole piece went viral.
Speed: I wrote a piece on how folks need to give Cole his props and (mostly) white folks called me a “Stan” for it. Because of this, it went viral.
(Drizzle and Speed laugh)
It’s funny, though. A lot of the pieces on the site saw additional views and boosts. Sooooo, that’s dopeness in a can. And, to show how thankful I am to the trolls, I’m going to troll them back with PA articles and utilizing their fuckery to further blossom the brand. Why? Because fuck you, it’s America. That’s why.