Welcome to a new (read: rebooted) part of SpeedontheBeat.com entitled “Drizzle Sez.” If you like Drizzle talking the realness during our PA sessions, you’ll like him going solo with folks who have issues, concerns, problems, etc. It’s kind of like “Dear Abby,” if Abby were a six-foot-five Black guy who gives honest, albeit somewhat “controversial,” advice in a way people can digest.
Today’s topic: Our reader, for some reason, comes to Drizzle seeking advice on some sexual issues. This is, well, a first for Drizzle Sez and the SOTB site as a whole. It’s, however, a VERY real prolem. And with that said, Drizzle provides some, potentially, life-altering advice for this situation. So, without further ado…
I come to you with some pretty fucked up shit that I’m asking you because you’re someone I don’t know and maybe your advice will be less…angry and/or judgy. I’m a guy who tries to remain monogamous, but I have a penchant to go around and fuck things up, usually with my dick. So, about 4-5 months ago, my S/O said “hey, let’s go celibate. The next time we have sex it’ll be wild and special and shit.” They’re one of those hopeless romantic types. And, I respect that.
Reluctantly, and because I love them, I agree to it. Like a month or two go by and I’m doing well. But then, I go out to a bar and hook up with someone. I don’t blame the booze, really, because…Truth be told? I knew I was going to the bar to hook up with someone. I decide to, because it was a random, get checked out. I mean, you don’t wanna bring anything back to your S/O.
The doctor calls me back and gives me some news that I never thought in a trillion years I’d hear…even with my urges to fuck random people. I find out I have HIV. So, I’m scared. I’m pissed. I even contemplate tossing myself off a bridge because, as non-death sentence HIV is these days, it’s still HIV which could manifest to AIDS. And, yeah…that’s some scary-ass shit.
But, here’s where things get tricky. I wore a condom with the random. I know, condoms don’t work all the time. But yeah. So, I feel that my S/O potentially gave me HIV. So, that’d mean they cheated on me AND got that from someone else. I know this may be out of your normal Drizzle Sez range, and it may be kind of inappropriate to ask you…but how should I approach her about this? And what the fuck should I do, just like in general? I feel like my world’s in shambles.
1. You stupid.
2. You stupid.
3. You stupid.
4. You stupid.
5. You are stupid.
6. Tu es estupidio.
7. You are fucking stupid.
8. You is got damned “hold the door” (too soon?) stupid.
9. You are not actually stupid.
10. Thank you for writing me. It feels damn good to lay down the advice again…bitches (you’re not actually bitches, but needed my loud intro).
Whoa. Drizzle’s back. And damn if you ain’t give me a doozie.
First and foremost, thanks for attempting to be monogamous. Most dudes these days don’t even make the attempt and that’s pretty fucked up. At least try. Unfortunately, you failed and now, like most other failures, you now must face the consequences of it. But, we can help with that later.
Honestly, it’s obvious this entire situation could have been avoided and I need to call you out. I can tell by how you mentioned the celibacy (fuck that word, sex is awesome) thing, you’re trying to justify your actions or you never wanted to do it.
If you’re trying to justify your actions, stop it. Your choices are your own and damn your reasoning because doing wrong is doing wrong. The only thing that should come out of your mouth is “I made a bad decision.”
No one forced your genitalia into contact with someone else’s. And if they did? Then, this is an entirely different situation and you should call the cops. Rape is bad. But, assuming you consented, take responsibility in your own mind and learn from this.
If you never wanted to do celibacy (I don’t know why you would) from the get-go, you should have told your sig-fig right then. If you could not be honest with them about it, then your relationship was not on solid ground to begin with. I don’t fault them for wanting the romancy shit, but if it aint your thing, be honest and tell them. Different strokes and shit.
That’s all I’m going to say about roads not traveled for now.
I’ve avoided the House In Virginia so far because, other than being a highly taxed domicile in a neocon or hippy hellhole, it’s a tricky situation. Now, I’m gonna be blunt. And it’s gonna hurt.
Your relationship is most likely over.
That’s regardless of who gave what to who. Infidelity is hard for people to get past. And, even if they forgive you, the lingering thought will always be present. The trust is gone. At the end of the day, you still got “the bug,” so damn who cheated first.
Now, there’s the added stigma of HIV. It’s managable but you’re scared. Imagine how scared your sig-fig will be when you tell them. Fear that heavy, it manifests in dark way. So, be prepared to duck when you tell them. And, you need to tell them. It is your responsibility to tell anyone you came in sexual contact with.
Ok, so…let’s be real. You strapped up. You could of got it from your sig-fig. If you did, you can’t be mad at them cause you was creepin too. Don’t be a hypocrite. I always hate when dudes are out here splitting hairs about their peoples cheating. Meanwhile, they bumping someone else, too. Men, stop that shit.
If you find out your sig-fig burned you, keep your cool. It damn well could have been your fault for creeping. As I said, it doesn’t matter. The relationship is most likely over anyway. BUT, if you want to see where your bug came from, call the randy. If they test negative, then you know it came from your sig-fig. Straight up. But that still won’t fix your relationship.
Look, no matter what, you shouldn’t have cheated, bruh. It was stupid. And what you get? A notch on your belt? An hour of jollies? Your money dropped on a bar tab? The uncertainty of where your newly-acquired STI came from?
Let me ask you: was it worth it? Now, let me answer for you: no, no, and hell to the motherfucking nah.
So,here is what you must do:
1. Tell the people you came in sexual contact with. You want to engage in responsible adult activity? Do the responsible adult thing. Tell anyone and everyone. Even the one who tried to record you doing…you know what? Just tell them.
2. Get your shit treated. While it’s still HIV, in some ways? It ain’t that big of a deal anymore. There’s pills and shit. I don’t know if you’re going to be out here like Magic Johnson. He’s literally called “Magic.” But, there are more and more people living with HIV and AIDS and are living productive lives, which brings me to my third point.
3. Live. Now, Brian Stokes Mitchell has a quote that, I think, fits pretty well in this situation. It goes something like this: “A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, will never know its purpose in the pattern of the grand design.”
You must live. You want to jump off a bridge. Don’t. Why? You will never know what effect your life has on the world. Who knows? You could be the one who finds a cure for this thing. You could write the next masterpiece. I dont know what your life will bring, but either way? Keep living.
4. Now, as you live, learn. This is an experience in which you need to learn. You learned hard but now you can live better for it. You can even help other people learn easy. Tell your story. This shit happens. Consequences happen. Live better and help.
And, you know, try thinking hard with your brain and not hard with your dick before you bust randies. Especially now. Hope you and everyone involved figures out the best path of progression. Because, again, this is some tricky shit.