For our fortieth PA (and we never would’ve made it without you), Drizzle and Speed are joined by Xav and Jimbo Slice (for a bit) and Speed takes a backseat to transcribe and record the conversation. Oh, don’t worry, though. Speed gets his words in. But, the PAs figured they’d do something a bit different for volume/episode forty. Why? Well, simply put, there are more Profound Assholes than just Speed and Drizzle. Why not let them get in on the PA-ness?
Drizzle: Ugh, gotta start over because Speed wasn’t recording–
Speed: Gimme a break, I’m recording with a phone. Apps and shit.
Drizzle: No excuses!
Speed: Well, we wouldn’t even have to do it this way if we…you know what, never mind. Let’s get it.
Drizzle: So, The Lego Theory is simple.
A human being is an upturned bucket of Lego bricks. A pile on the floor. A bucket of mass that you can mold, build and design into something that can either be nothing, just another mess. Or it can be the President of the United fuckin’ States.
Xav: So, it’s pretty much a beach full of sand.
Drizzle: Nah. Nah. Nah, man. I’m trying to say that, when you take two messes of Legos, in order to grow…and a human being…or to grow your pile, you’ve got to have every experience. Imagine: every experience you have is another brick thrown into the pile. Now a brick that falls into the pile, it’s not formed. It’s not shaped. You know? And quite frankly, there are a lot of ways to shape it, build it. All that shit. But, the way we’re talking about today is relationships.
Quite frankly, there’s a man and there’s a woman–
Speed: So, we’re talking just heteronormative relationships?
Drizzle: Shuddup, Speed. It works for any relationship. But, anyways, there’s a man and there’s a woman. Your pile’s over here, her’s is over here. If you want the two of you to grow together, you both have to sacrifice bricks from your pile to build a Factory. When you build a Lego Factory, you just keep chucking out Legos and help both of you grow together. You grow more mature, better, faster, and smarter. Why? Because of that other person in your life.
When you falter, she picks up the pieces and vice versa. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But the only way that you can create this factory is…with…sacrifice! You need to give up a Lego brick of your own, and she needs to do the same.
Xav: Sacrifice and understanding.
Drizzle: And you need to put that shit together to BUILD THE LEGO FACTORY! If you do it yourself, you’ll grow yourself. But, you’ll grow apart. So, you do it with both of your bricks so they’ll be both of your bricks. A joint venture.
It’ll be a thing that literally causes you to grow together. The more you grow, the more you succeed and go far. She can literally just be a housewife. But, every single fucking time she makes you a gotdamn dinner? It adds to your ability to be better. And every time you’re better, it adds to her ability to make better fucking dinner.
Xav: But, you’ve gotta understand, though. You’ve got to be able to say “this is what I want.” And you have to figure out a way to put it all together perfectly mapped.
Drizzle: But the biggest issue is that too many people get into these relationships where they take. They take. Now, that’s my theory. When someone gets into a relationship where they take they’re bricks from you–
Xav: They’re just looking to build a castle of their own–
Drizzle: While you shrink down to nothing!
Xav: But, at the end of the day? If you’re that kind of person, you’re not strong enough to hold up that castle. And guess what, that fucking castle is going to fail.
Drizzle: That’s true. But, the only thing you can do to make sure your bricks can withstand that type of damage is get knowledge. And it’s very simple. You’ve got to know–
Drizzle: You’ve got to know that you want to be with someone who’ll take her Legos to make the general plan to make this factory with you. You know that if she takes one from you, and you take one from her that she’s not going anywhere and you’re not going anywhere. Why? Because both of you have a bunch of Legos that aren’t your own.
But there are those who’ll just take and take what’s not their own with no desire to give back. You know what I’m talking about. The guy who goes up and meets this girl at the bar, or club, and he’s all like “I got money” and she’s like “yay, free meal.” And y’all motherfuckers use each other. Eventually, you’re just gonna be mad.
“Where did my Legos go?” Where’d all your old shit go? You gave it up!
And now you’re sitting there and you looking and you’re just like “shit. I mean, I knew what to build with what I had.”
Xav: You still recording, Speed? I just saw you put the laptop up.
Speed: I mean, yes. But, at this point, I’ve got the kids and shit. I gotta head on home in a while and–
Drizzle: We’re not done. You’re not heading home yet. You’ve been on some crazy shit and you need some time to decompress and shit.
Speed: Well, gee. Thanks.
Drizzle: I care about you, man. I care about everyone. I told you. I’ll reach into Heaven and drag your screaming soul back from the brink–every single last one of you. And you’ve seen me do it! You sittin’ there, fucked up, lost, hurt. No where to go.
Xav: I’m not hurt. I just know where I need to go. I’m more stuck.
Drizzle: See, that’s the thing. When everyone thought they had nowhere else to be, because they were stuck or nowhere to go, I showed up!
Xav: I’m gonna tell you some real shit. I got in contact with you through some crazy situations–
Drizzle: I let you in, didn’t I? At the end of the day, I let you in. The point is this: when I get married, Gingawd’s my Best Man.
Speed: I think I know why.
Drizzle: Shuddup, Speed. Lemme talk. You know why he’s my Best Man–
Xav: I’m singing at your wedding–
Drizzle: The fuck you are. You know why Gingawd’s my Best Man?
Xav: I’m gonna Barry White the fuck outta your reception. Get up there and start singing “Practice What You Preach” and shit. Matter of fact, lemme start singing now–
Drizzle: No. Somebody shut this nigga up.
Xav: I’m not a nigga. I’m a negus.
Jimbo Slice: I remember that video and song. My mom would randomly be playing the shit outta that record. You remember the thing that was like MTV where you’d call in–
Speed: Oh, yeah! The Box and shit.
Jimbo: Yeah. And that Barry White song would be playing all the time. You know what? I need to listen to that thing now.
Speed: It was a classic track. Can’t not listen to Barry and not feel on some “I’m pimping” shit. The baritone, man. The baritone.
Drizzle: Now, I wanna challenge you all. Say something without the words “I,” “me,” or “we.” Can you?
Xav: I can’t do it. But you know what, if I help you, you help me. Backscratching and shit.
Drizzle: But the point is: Gingawd is my Best Man. And why?
Speed: Yes, Drizzle. Why?
Drizzle: Well, once upon a time–
Speed: Well, you pretty much iced me out–
Drizzle: I know the exact date. February 14th, 2014. Friday. Valentine’s Day and shit. I lost my job, I lost my girlfriend, I lost my house, I lost my money. ALL on Valentine’s Day 2014–
Speed: You iced me out. You didn’t even tell me this shit.
Drizzle: Well, that was your fault–
Speed: How the fuck was that my fault–
(Drizzle side eyes the fuck out of Speed)
Speed: I mean, besides that thing that we don’t talk about. I mean, the big, big thing. Not that thing or even that thing. I’m talking the big one. But, besides that situation–
(Drizzle side eyes the fuck out of Speed again)
Speed: But, besides that situation, in which the things happened and–
Drizzle: Do I need to keep side eying you, Speed or do you get it? You fucked up. It’s okay. I forgave, we moved on, but you still fucked up. Plus, you know, kids and shit. They kind of keep things complicated for you.
Speed: This is fair. But, again, my bad for that…
Drizzle: Anyway, at the end of the day, when all those things happened–
Xav: Side note, I wanna be a mogul. And that’s my dream and that’s all it’s gonna be. You wanna know why? Drizzle helped me.
Drizzle: At the end of the day, though, when that happened? Drizzle was broken. Drizzle couldn’t talk to his own mother, his grandparents…you know what? It’s easier, sometimes, for people whose parents and family figures are absent or dead. It really is. You know why? You know that they won’t help you because they’re can’t or they won’t and you accept that.
Speed: I mean, look at me in 2015.
Drizzle: But when you have two parents, who are alive and doing well for themselves and are present, and neither one of them wants to help you? It hurts, man. And I thought I’d get some, like, “Mother’s Mercy” bullshit.
Speed: That shit doesn’t exist.
Drizzle: Mama Young loved you, though.
Speed: She loved me, but she ain’t give me mercy if I fucked up.
Drizzle: But, do we really deserve mercy?
Speed: Fair enough…but still, though. Considering some of the shit we’ve gone through? Maybe, maybe a little bit of grace, at least, from the crazy shit.
Drizzle: But, all of my losses that I had in one day. In one day, people commit suicide over much less. And here my parents are like “you can’t move back because you won’t be able to pay rent?!” That’s what I’m saying. In some cases, dead or absent parents, it’s better because you know and accept they can’t or won’t. But when they won’t, but they could? It’s different. When you have that abandoned feeling on top of all the losses I had, when your own kin doesn’t show up? It hurts.
Everything else, you can walk it off. But that? That hurts. When your parents sit here and tell you how much they care about you and tell you what they do for you. Shit, one parent will…even if they don’t do shit! But, when you have two of ’em telling you all this shit? And they abandon you when you need them the most? You break, man.
That calm, cool, collected shit? It’s out the fucking window. You want to break and hurt everything and everybody. But, at the end of the day? The Gingawd told me to take my truck, put my shit in it, drive to his apartment in Virginia, and stay with him until I got back on my feet. Free…of…charge.
Speed: That’s Best Man material.
Drizzle: It’s not because he’s infinitely awesome or because I’ve done something for him in the past. It’s because his idea was “if you ever need a place to land, you call me. I’ll be that landing strip.” He didn’t ask for anything. Nothing. Yeah, I made dinner, cleaned a bit. But, he didn’t ask me for shit.
Speed: Yeah. Considering when he was, considering when I was losing everything with my mom, you two were two of the only motherfuckers who reached out to me. Y’all kept asking “ARE YOU GOOD?!” I know it’s different, but–
Drizzle: You’re a lying son-of-a-bitch.
Speed: I know–
Drizzle: It’s not your fault. Everyone is.
Speed: But, I know I lie about my feelings. I hate people worrying about me and shit. But, every motherfucker worries because I lie about my feelings.
Drizzle: But, yeah. Some people will hear you say “I’m good” and they’ll be like “cool. He’ll talk to me when he’s ready.”
Speed: You, Gingawd, True. Motherfuckers like you, you’ll stay on my ass–
Drizzle: Because when you see someone hurting, and you’re a decent human being–
Speed: Too few of them.
Drizzle: That’s the thing. It doesn’t matter how often someone says “I’m fine,” you know better! Why? Every human being can sense struggle. It exists everywhere. So, when you see someone in strife–
Speed: Like, “real fucking shit” strife.
Drizzle: And you see them trying to ignore it, try to think it’s not there? People who give a fuck are going to tell you to stop. They’re gonna tell you “talk to me.”
Speed: True. And, you know if I was able to–considering what I was going through myself in 2014–if I could, I would’ve been there. 100%. But, I was going through my own shit. Selfish as fuck, I know. But, it’s a legit thing. That’s why Gingawd deserves the Best Man.
Drizzle: But people go through their shit. That happens. We all go through shit.
Speed: Too fucking much shit, man.
Drizzle: But, it’s like…when it comes to Gingawd, he gave up time, money, piece of mind. Why? So he could help me.
Speed: He’s a Patron Saint. Hear me out. Now, as batshit crazy, Sexual Harassment Panda as he is–and he’s pretty batshit crazy and Sexual Harassment Panda–
Drizzle: We all are. Crazy, at least.
Speed: But, he’s there for people. He’s like a legit Patron Saint. I’ve got a different definition of that.
Drizzle: I’ll say this. He sacrificed parts of himself, not expecting anything in return, to help me. Quite frankly, if more people treated each other like that? The world’d be a much much better place. But, there are so many more people that’d want to talk advantage of that situation. Take the bricks and shit.
Speed: And they probably will continue to do so. That’s just human nature.
Drizzle: Now, when I was dealing with women and what’s-her-fuck cheated on me…
Speed: Ah, fuck. We’re going there, aren’t we?
Tune in tomorrow on SpeedontheBeat.com for the conclusion of “The Lego Theory and More,” as brought to you by the Profound Assholes.