Previously on Profound Assholes, Drizzle and Speed were joined by Xav and Jimbo Slice, two new participants. The party talked about “The Lego Theory,” relationships, rebuilding oneself, Best Man material and more. But, the episode started to take a darker turn when Drizzle began talking about “What’s-Her-Fuck.” We all have a “what’s-her-fuck,” a person whom made us question reality and was, honestly, pretty shitty towards us. But, enough of the explaining. Let’s get to PA-ing.
Drizzle: Now, when I was dealing with women and what’s-her-fuck cheated on me…
Speed: Ah, fuck. We’re going there, aren’t we? We’re going to SWSNBN territory?
Well, I’m here for it. I guess we’ve got time today, eh?
Drizzle: I found out and she acted like it was all fine–
Speed: Well, people do that, because they’re dicks, assholes, and–while I hate saying this type of thing–you know what? I’ll censor myself and apologize to my fellow feminists and feminist allies. Why? Because I know how vile and hurtful the word I’m thinking to describe her can be. So, I’ll stop myself before I say it. But, this person we’re talking about, is a piece of fucking shit–
Drizzle: It doesn’t matter, though. That’s the thing. To this day, I wanna hit her up and be like “I’m so much happier without you.”
Speed: Well, maybe you should. Give her the dissatisfaction of knowing you’re doing better.
Drizzle: I don’t need to do that–
Speed: I know you don’t need to, but–
Drizzle: Listen for a second. I don’t give a shit about her feelings. I wish her the best in all she goes.
Speed: You’re a better man than most people.
Drizzle: Nah, I’ve just got a better thought process. My thought process goes “why should I cheapen myself for someone who is not worth it…or someone who did not think I was worth it? Why should I cheapen my value?”
Speed: You’re taking the high road while she could, I don’t know, be doing all sorts of hazardous things. She could be turning tricks in CP for all we know. Like you said, it doesn’t matter. She thought she was better off without you. You are better off without her. So, in a very fucked up way, everyone wins.
Drizzle: Well, I mean, she’s still fucking the same dude she cheated on me with.
Speed: Damn. That’s–that’s–that’s shitty, man. Is that the same one who had the revenge porn video we talked about in episode 37?
Drizzle: At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care enough about her feelings to try and make her feel bad. She has erased herself from my memory, because she wasn’t adding to my Lego pile, bruh.
She was just taking. And when I found out that she was taking, I stopped letting her take. When I stopped letting her take–
Speed: Good things happened?
Drizzle: No, terrible things happened. See, a lot of ladies don’t understand that. Women are smart, they are very smart.
Speed: I’ll just bust out the Khaled meme.
Drizzle: But, there are a lot of them who don’t act very smart. They believe that taking is the only way of receiving.
Speed: That’s some ass-backwards-ass logic.
Drizzle: No, that’s perfect logic. You get what you take!
Speed: Ok, fine. It’s horrible-as-a-person logic.
Drizzle: The only reasons people think that is that, when you’re standing there, as a human being and you distance yourself from humanity enough to take the essence of another without thinking? You’re a horrible person.
Speed: And, SWSNBN is a horrible person. But…fuck her.
Drizzle: But, I needed to experience that. I know everyone else did, too. But I needed to experience that specifically for myself. So, when the right one showed up, I knew what I had.
Speed: And thank Santa Christ that the right one is, obviously, not her. Your one is infinitely better in general.
Drizzle: And I’m very appreciative of that.
Speed: Praise be to The One.
Speed and Drizzle: ONE PUNCH!
Drizzle: But, I cried the day that she cheated on me. And I raged. Yeah, I’m a big guy. So, raging usually equals property damage. I ripped a door off the hinges. I didn’t want to be another, what’s the word–
Drizzle: No. I didn’t wanna be an afterthought–
Speed: So, you ripped the door off because you didn’t wanna be an afterthought?
Drizzle: I didn’t want to be a priority–
Speed: So you made her an afterthought?
Drizzle: I didn’t wanna be a priority when she was making me an option.
Speed: Well, good thing that worked out the way it did. Otherwise, you’d be all distanced and FML-like. Because, I mean, that’s–aside from The Things That Happened–kind of what happened during your relationship with SWSNBN. You distanced yourself from people.
Drizzle: The world needs heroes. It was not my turn to be one of them.
Speed: Now, I get that.
Drizzle: Well, what makes a hero into a villain? One very bad day. Like, look at Batman. He’s batshit insane, mainly because of a collection of very bad days.
Speed: But, everything seemed to worked out. So, kudos. That’s all that really matters, for real. You’re both doing alright, I guess. No one’s dead. No one got any life-threatening STIs from each other, so hey–
Drizzle: From each other, no. She caught something while cheating on you.
Speed: Well, she cheated…probably fucked raw and whatnot. So…that’s on her. You were out here being faithful–
Drizzle: Faith. Faith is a tool used to control the ignorant.
Speed: Well, you weren’t sticking your dick into randoms. So, yeah. And, she drove a wedge between us–
Drizzle: No, you drove a wedge between us. You were unmedicated and doing a shitload of crazy shit.
Speed: Fair. But, that had its points towards it.
Drizzle: Humans. Shitty people.
Speed: We only see what’s in front of us, sometimes. We can only fight it as much as we can–or, as much as we wants to. But, that’s what makes us or breaks us and our bricks. Either we’ll build something amazing, or we’ll just fuck around and break all the bricks. But, we haven’t fallen, even through all this. We’ve been there, for others and ourselves. And we’re not falling. I may stumble, but I don’t fall. I don’t plan to.
And I don’t plan to let you fall. Just like you’ll drag my screaming, probably-dying-because-I-got-unmedicated-and-did-lots-of-stupid-shit soul back, I’ll pick your demented ass up if you even think about falling. I’m here, man. Why? Because y’all niggas is my niggas and should anybody try to nigga y’all niggas? I’ma nigga them niggas. But, people don’t understand that. You and I, we’ve been through a lot. Hell, even. Sometimes with each other, sometimes with others. But, we’ve been through hell. And if I had to go through hell again, there’re only a few people I’d go through hell with again because I know they’d have my back and I’d theirs.
You’ve seen me at my worst and have never left me in a ditch. I know there’ve probably been times where you could’ve or maybe even wanted to because I was acting stupid, ignorant, or whatever. But you didn’t. Bruh, I pretty much owe you my life.
So, yeah…don’t go dying. Or else you’ll have to get through me to get to Heaven.