Looks like 2017 means new Profound Assholes entries from Speed on the Beat and Drizzle Sez. After a few weeks off to recollect themselves after Trump, the Ravens’ implosion, and Carrie Fisher’s death happening, Drizzle and Speed are back for another round of biting criticism and analysis. Today’s topic: hoes, what makes a ho a ho, and double standards when it comes to certain types of hoes. This one won’t be pretty, and it won’t be censored. Virgin eyes, move to the right.

Drizzle: So, Speed…I have this video, right? I’m going to show it to you.

Speed: Is it porn?

Drizzle: You’ll see. But, once it’s over, I want you to tell me if you see anything familiar

(Drizzle and Speed watch a Mannequin Challenge in which a young woman is engaging in a threesome while being filmed; the contrast between “Black Beatles” playing while someone has their member inside of a woman is both confusing and mind-blowing at the same time)

Speed: Okay…that’s…interesting. I guess? But, I noticed three things. One, that chick looks a lot like someone we used to mess with back in the day. Two, that chick looks A HELLUVA LOT like someone we used to mess with back in the day.

Drizzle: And three?

Speed: That’s someone we used to mess with back in the day, isn’t it?

Drizzle: Pretty sure it is.

Speed: Jesus. Ummm…wowzers.

Drizzle: Indeed.

Speed: I don’t know whether I should laugh or be saddened. I mean, she’s not your girl anymore and I’m not getting in it, so crisis averted. But, seeing one of your exes potentially do porno-esque Mannequin Challenges is an awkward thing. First, who’s even doing the Mannequin Challenge anymore?

Drizzle: Hmmm…looks like she lost some weight, though.

Speed: That, it does. Good for her.

Drizzle: Oh, we’re evil.

Speed: Eh.

Drizzle: But, good for her.

Speed: Good for her that she’s potentially been immortalized in a Paint Her Face challenge?

Drizzle: I don’t keep up with the challenges. Which one is that?

Speed: (Laughs) I’m just saying, though. Could be worse. She could’ve burned you while you two were still fucking. It kind of reminds me of a time I saw one of my old sorta girlfriends on PornHub. All I could really say was “well, wow. Looks like she finally shaved her pussy.”

Drizzle: Tweed.

Speed: Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know. But, these things are things that tend to happen in these days and times. Folks are looking for instant gratification, especially ones who live through social media. So, they’ll get it through doing fuck shit–including fucking. Not to down those who cam or whatever. That’s a job. But, there’s a very thin line between “this is a job” and “I’m just doing this so people can give me instant gratification because I need that shit to survive.”

Drizzle: Tweed.

Speed: Highly tweed. I think we all have, if you’ve amassed a certain number of partners, run into an ex doing some fuckery-laced shit, usually involving sex. I know some of my boys have watched their exes, baby mamas, and even cousins go out here and start posting titty pics just for the fuck of it.

And they’re not doing it for sexual liberation or anything. They’re doing it for some warped justification and warped sense of self that makes them think that they’re only worth something if they’re showing their snatch on Twitter. But, this brings me to a point.

What is the “limit” before someone becomes a ho? Or is hoing one of those things that depends more on what you do versus how many people you do it with. I mean, we’ve got porn stars fucking in gangbangs but they’re not hoes, if that makes sense. It’s more of a job. And you’ve got randoms with like three bodies to their name still being ho-ish because they’re getting dug out by four guys at once on some gonzo shit and not getting anything from it other than a slap on the ass and ridicule from social media.

Drizzle: Or–and here’s a novel concept–not my daughter. Yes, girls can get dug out and not be a ho. But…if you’re getting double teamed on tape to “Black Beatles” for the lulz of it…you’re kinda hoes up.

Speed: Yes, and no. Yes, because, I mean, we’re kind of Puritanical when it comes to sex. That’s as a culture, not specifically us. Therefore, whatever is out of the perceived ordinary can be seen as ho-ish. You’ve got a daughter now, so I know you see where I’m coming from. I’ve got sons and I still wouldn’t want them out here smutting themselves out if there were more productive things they could do with their time.

But, the double team on camera may not be a ho in some ways. It could’ve been like a job for them. But, in the situation we’re discussion, she’s kinda a ho because she’s Mannequin Challenging a dick in the mouth and a dick in the ass. Or at least, it looked like a dick in the ass.

Drizzle: The ever-loving point is this: What is she getting out of this? I mean, other than their cum in her person? We know what the dudes are finna get out of it. They’re finna get that notch on their belt.

Speed: Maybe she got a sexual release from it? The thrill of knowing she’s about to be exposed to the world? I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Or maybe she got attention. As I said, some people do wild things for attention if they’re that attention-starved and crave it that badly.

Drizzle: That’s when some of them go out here and whore out for it. Hate me later for saying this, readers. But if it was me on that tape, how would any girl I ever fucked react?

Speed: Hmmm…they’d probably say “Drizzle a ho. I knew it.”

Drizzle: Even if I was with three chicks with no dick involved–just fingers in two and a face on the other one–they’d probably say “I knew he was a ho.” Or they’d say “I hope they leave him hanging.” Or they’d say–well, you get the point. So, I feel no remorse saying this.

(Drizzle cues up Ludacris’ “Ho”)

Speed: When you say it like that, and put it that way, considering the circumstances? I’ve gotta call it how I see it. But, is being a ho a bad thing because of societal norms or because it’s inherently bad to get the nappy dugout done via social media challenge?

Drizzle: The latter. Fuck a social norm. If you get G’d out on the Interwebs…I wonder how your boss will take that. And if you’re Black, you sure as fuck can’t be First Lady–

Speed: Or President if you’re a dude. But, eventually, though? Sexy selfies and all that shit will probably be socially acceptable in these instances. Why? Because it’s getting to the point of “well, everyone else is doing this shit.” Plain and simple. But, if Michelle Obama went nude 15-20 years ago, the world would’ve had a field day. They would’ve called her all sorts of naked apes and Bonquiquis and shit. Meanwhile, Melania Trump does it and folks are like “shrug. Let’s MAGA.” Because, you know, it was “in her past.” Blah blah blah. There are many double standards to dissect in this one. 

Drizzle: First double standard? White privilege.

Speed: I don’t think White privilege makes it okay to get DPed doing a Mannequin Challenge.

Drizzle: White privilege–hereinafter known as “WP”–does make it okay.

Speed: Explain.

Drizzle: I’ll say three names. Kim, Paris, Melania. White chicks get tossed on tape–

Speed: Or, in Melania’s case, get photographed doing softcore lesbian-esque stuff–

Drizzle: And they turn it into fortunes and all that. If a Black woman goes out and hoes out once, they might as well just change their name to “Welfare Food-Stamp.”

Speed: Fair…kind of. But, you’ve got folks out here trying to change that dichotomy. For instance, look at Skin Diamond–err, I mean Raylin Joy. She’s actually making a name for herself singing after fucking. Reyna from Maryland, she’s about to graduate and is set to make some changes, albeit on a smaller scale that becoming a pop star, within the world. So, there are folks trying to change it. But, the platform is still focused on White women being accepted in doing these sorts of things. Look at Amy Schumer doing stuff that Black women have done for years. 

There needs to be a shift. That shift needs to say “hey, World. Black women aren’t the dirt of the Earth.” But, the way things are going now? I don’t see it happening anytime soon, unless we force it to.

Drizzle: I want you to realize something. They’ve got to be an “artist” or a celebutant or find someone who is foreign-born. Ivanka gets to be First Lady.

Speed: Melania, you mean.

Drizzle: You know I disrespect Trumps.

Speed: Fair. But the point stands. If a random Black woman gets on film and finger pops herself to an orgasm, she’s probably gonna forever be known as Fingerpop Girl. If a WOC–especially a BW–did what Kendra Sutherland, the “Library Cam Girl,” did, they’d probably not get too far. Kendra Sutherland, meanwhile, does it and now headlines shows, does podcasts, etc.

Drizzle: Well, you know what?

Speed: What?

Drizzle: White privilege makes everything better. Everything. Now, rewind. I need to elaborate on what I mean when I call someone a ho. Once upon a time, my cousin was fucking on girls who weren’t his GF. He said it wasn’t cheating because it was just like masturbation. Bear with it. He said that his girl isn’t cheating on him with her vibrator, so he wasn’t cheating by using a tool top. Now, I ain’t say that I agreed with this. But, it made me realize.

If the human getting banged on is being used as a tool, you’re a ho. The person using the tool is a ho. The person who knows they’re a tool is a ho.

Speed: So, what? We’re all hoes?

Drizzle: Well, I was a ho. Santa called my name all the time because I straight used women. Now, if the tool doesn’t know they’re a tool, they’re just unfortunate. They’re not hoes. You feel me?

Speed: Eh, kinda. So, hoes use and get used. If they don’t know they’re being used, they’re more so in that “woe is them” category? Gist of what you’re saying or nah?

Drizzle: Yep. Now, Speed, one day, you need to sit down with your kids and tell them they’re half ho because their daddy was a ho. But, White hoes get to have lives and shit after being hoes. Black hoes seemingly keep the stamp. For instance, let’s look at a Black ho at an interview.

“Have you been in any inappropriate behavior that could embarrass the company?”

Now, let’s look at the same situation through the eyes of a White ho.

“Well, damn. College must’ve been crazy. Wanna be First Lady or something?”

Shit, man! Wasn’t that a plot point in The Best Man Holiday? And it wasn’t even the guy interviewing, it was his wife who’d done some ho activities. That’s what I mean when I say “you hold the stamp forever and you’ve got to tell your kids.” Because the ho stamp could pass to your relatives. Now, even worse, imagine this. Your boys are looking for a job in a decade or two. The person on the other side of the desk just happens to be some girl you tooled on.

“Oh, you’re related to that Speed?”

Speed: I’d rather it be a girl I tooled on than someone I pined for. But, go ahead.

Drizzle” But now your boy’s gotta apologize and work around your past hoe-ness. And that is what being a ho is all about. Because, real talk? You had fun whoring around. Most of us did. But it’s what goes down after that matters. So, if that girl a real crowd pleaser, then she’s been ho exiled to Ho Island.

Speed: Same for guys?

Drizzle: No. Worse for guys, especially on a professional scale. Not only do they have to deal with the potentials of “youse a ho,” they also gotta deal with the “he’s a thug” talk. If he’s on tape, he a ho on tape, so he’s also a thug. Think about The Boondocks when Thugnificent tried to get a real job. Shit, man. The consequences are real. I can’t even take my 401K to Fidelity because of my old ho-style. One of the high-ups in the B’more Fidelity office is someone I decimated. I’m talking slammed until she started shaking. And I didn’t leave a note nor a number. That’s the problem with taking out Power Pussy. But White folk? They don’t have that problem.

Speed: Ehhh…I’d say upper-middle to upper class White folk don’t have that problem. I’ve seen lower class and middle class White folks have to deal with it. So, it also becomes a class and a race issue.

Drizzle: But guess what? I’m white now. I cussed out my boss and they offered me a raise. Like, a $15K raise.

Speed: Well damn. How does it feel to have that Rich White blood coursing through your veins now?

Drizzle: It feels…privileged! I legit pulled an Office Space. I felt the sound of “Something Amazing” from Doug. Now, a while back–and it didn’t get published, Speed–I went on a tirade about how we need to know our worth. I’ll sum it up here: we get told we’re not shit by jobs and employers because they want us to never know how much we’re really worth. But, on this? I just demonstrated how much I’m worth. And it felt amazing.

Speed: Well, readers. There you have it. Know your worth, know that White Privilege is–unfortunately–a thing, and know the dynamics of ho-ing. Thanks for reading and it feels good to be back.