Drizzle: You said last time that Alessia kind of reminded you of Beyonce. Well, speaking of Bey…Kanye’s got ’em shook. Look at Adele.
Speed: Adele spoke out and said “hey, Beyonce is better than me” when we’re talking Lemonade versus 25. Not too many artists would do that. She said, and I quote, “What the fuck does Beyonce have to do to win album of the year?” Also, Eric Andre is dating Rosario Dawson apparently. What a world we live in.
Drizzle: Don’t get me started. Adele may’ve not legit broke her Grammy and gave half to Beyonce. But, she did say “I cannot accept this award” and probably eyed Kanye thinking “see, I said it myself.”
Speed: Kanye wasn’t there. He boycotted. But, the point still stands. She admitted it before a potential Kanye Moment would have happened. Adele smart. She humble. Insert DJ Khaled meme here.
Drizzle: It’s a world where puppets are sending dick pics. Trump is President. White people are apologizing. Puppets are sending dick pics. I’m curing cancer. Crazy world, bruh.
Speed: And Rosario Dawson is dating Eric Andre. Wayment. Puppets sending dick pics. Run that back, if you will?
Drizzle: Google “Lux.1hunnid”
(Speed takes the time to Google this name. Speed then finds a Black male puppet flashing dick to womenfolk. Speed laughs and has a slightly disturbed face at the same time)
Drizzle: Literal dick pics. Literally.
Speed: Puppet dick pics. My eyes, bruh. I barely wanna see another dick in real life. Not because I’m homophobic or have penis envy or anything, but because I barely like seeing my own dick unless I’m sliding into some loving. I’m weird like that. But motherfucking puppet dick? What type of sick-minded fuck thought it’d be cool for an Odell Beckham Jr.-looking puppet to slang dick pics? I’m laughing at the shit because it’s so goddamned ridiculous. Puppet dick. And, no. I’m not showing puppet dick on the site.
Drizzle: I knowwwww. And Adele is part of the Beyhive. So, I needed to do puppets first before we talk Rosario. So, anyone–and I mean anyone–who knows me know that I think Rosario Dawson is perfection. Like, actual perfection. Face. Body. Likes. Dislikes. Personality. Willingness to actually act in–and about–shit. I feel like if I asked her what she wanted to eat, she’d be like “Caesar salad from that place on 5th,” not “IDK. What do you want?” And, on top of that, she don’t give a fuck about what we think.
Speed: She’s like an acting version of Sade…or is that too far? I mean, almost no one touches Sade.
Speed: Elaborate on Sade being perfection or how Rosario Dawson and Sade are similar?
Drizzle: Know what? Don’t care. If Rosario Dawson is dating Eric Andre, all it does is further her appeal to myself. She knows what she wants, fuck you. I love that. My point is this: if she’s dating Eric Andre, I hope they’re happy together. I’m not one of them fuckboys who’s all like “why Eric Andre? He’s Eric fuckin’ Andre. I’m better than that nigga.”
First of all, better to whom? If you feel Rosario Dawson is perfection and you want a relationship with a girl like her, don’t put down the man who got her. Hell, you should try to be that guy.
Speed: Sorta. Kinda. Eh, pretty much. Become the better you, even if that you ends up kind of being like Eric Andre. Let’s face it, though. There are worse choices than Eric Andre.
Drizzle: Well, think of this. I can count on one hand the facts I know about Billy Bob Thornton. But, one of those facts is this. He fucked Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry in their primes. The younger, more “I’m just tryna fuck everything” me didn’t say “oh, boo. Why Billy Bob Thornton?” He said “oh, ok. Why Billy Bob Thornton. I need to know so I can be that dude.”
Speed: To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man, like Ric Flair said. Can’t beat the man, or even be the man, if you’re out here acting like a fuckboy not learning from the man.
Drizzle: I mean, damn. Billy Bob was my idol on getting girls. And I got a lot of girls.
Speed: Billy Bob was probably a lot of folks our age’s idol when it came to getting laid. He was an old, odd-looking White dude who was smashing beautiful women. Gave hope to all the Average Joes and Regular Ass Niggas that we, too, could pull almost any woman we wanted as long as we were real with ourselves and with the woman consenting to allow for the fuckage to come forth.
Drizzle: Now, Speed, on another note. You’ve got to stop this throwing up shit.
Speed: It’s these mood stabilizers. One of the side effects from the main one I’m on, Latuda, is that it gives me bad nausea that can sometimes turn me into a puddle of vomit.
Drizzle: As opposed to, what, a Puddle of Mudd? You gotta try ginger beer, man. No Canada Dry. Get the Spanish stuff.
Speed: I remember when we used to use that to mix with 151. Fun times. …our livers probably hated us, but it got the job done.
Drizzle: Now, onto more pressing matters.
Speed: You ever feel like you can’t take a day off because when you do, you feel like the world’s on fire around you?
Drizzle: If it happens every once in a while, it’s just your day to put out the fires. If it happens every day and every time you go to take a piss, you’re undervalued, you need to Google your job title, ask for a raise and/or get the fuck out. For instance, I noticed that every time I took off from my old job, the company fell apart. “Maybe I’m worth more than they let on,” I thought. Turns out, I’m worth a lot more.
It turns out that my old job, like many other employers, thought they bought their employees and didn’t invest in them. When I told them I was out, they threw everything at me: higher salary, fast tracked promotions, school reimbursements. I was like “that’s cool and all. It’s all great shit. But you had years to give me that.”
So, again, if a company invests in you and you find hell sinking after a day off, it’s just your day. Look at how many hours you really spend working your ass off and how many you’re coasting or not piling on hours. If your company gives a fuck about you, and you come back to some pew pew fires, it’s your day, especially since a lot of companies calculate in time for their workers to fuck around because they know that not everyone works a full eight-hour day every fucking day.
Now, if you’re off to take a piss, you’re undervalued. So, what you gonna do about it? You look for other jobs, you Google your salary, you get that certification/degree, and you get the fuck out. Be active. Apply for jobs. Interview at jobs. Why? The beauty of looking for a job when you have a steady one is this: you’re not desperate. You can hear an offer and say “eh, nah. I’m good.”
But, I’ll leave the weird world of job searching for another day. Next PA we’ve got coming up is the 50th one. Any special topics you think we should cover, Speed.
Speed: Eh. Let’s just see where we go. You, of all people, should know that when you try to force a PA, you usually end up with dog shit. So, when it comes, it’ll come.