Drizzle: So, New Zealand looks good. You know, to like live and stuff.
Speed: Factual. They seem a lot less racist, for one.
Drizzle: For one. For two, they seem to have competent leadership. Bill English seems like a nice guy. He’s a conservative, sure. But, he’s one that can admit he’s wrong on social issues. The taxes there make more sense. Overall, the climate seems nice. And this asshole isn’t in charge.
So, yes, PA readers. We’re finally going there. It’s volume 50 after all. Let’s celebrate by talking politics.
Speed: First and foremost, New Zealand should always look great because of the Orange One’s lack of power within it.
Drizzle: Yeah. I’ll admit. I’m a little butthurt about it. Because now, after scandal after scandal, I wanna sit back and tell all the people who voted for him “I told you so.” But, then, I remember. As funny as it is to watch the wheels spin off the Trump Bus–
Speed: Trump Train–
Drizzle: What-the-fuck-ever. Either way, I’m sitting on the motherfucker. And if he crashes while I’m on it? Well, shit. So, I’m here curing and treating cancer and shit, and I think about a question from college. “Will the U.S. and China go to war within the next century?” And I wrote no. But…now? Wellllllll, it’s a fucked-up world. Puppet penis, for instance. Try to unsee it.
Speed: I don’t know if I can. Puppets packing dick for chicks to slob on. Imagine that shit. A chick slobbing on a felt knob like corn on the cob.
Drizzle: Ha. And niggas is out here sitting here bitching about celebutant relationships. And, for real, the American populace is weak, dug (Ed. Note: “Dug” is a Baltimorean way to say “dog” or “dawg”). I had this epiphany at the Tiffany’s where my old B would complain I never bought her shit.
Speed: Exactly. We can focus on different shit at once though. We’ve shown that. But, that doesn’t mean that we should focus solely on some Kimye shit–
Drizzle: Man, fuck Kimye. Negi used to make fun of niggas who would be worried about that stupid shit. But now? People complain about Trump and then say that they don’t pay attention to democracy and democratic conventions and actual politics and shit because it’s exhausting. Yeah, it’s exhausting. But, like fighting a rapist, it’s exhausting. But, if you don’t do something, chances are you’re violently fucked against your will.
And yes, I did compare the Trump presidency to rape. Hear me out, though. It’s a political climate now where killing people, rape, poisoning people–hell, even pedophilia to some–is okay. That’s legitimately one step away from genocide.
We all see what’s happening. But, we can’t fix it without asking why. So, I’ve got a few reasons. Number one: the Electoral College.
Now, let it be know that I don’t like the Founding Fathers. They were fucking hypocrites.
Speed: That they were. We all are from time to time. But, these niggas? They took it to a whole new level. For instance, slavery. Their opinions on the real Native Americans. Their hatred of the poor. Et cetera, et cetera, et fucking cetera. There was a “free right” to choose a President, but that right is taken away from you in theory by the Electoral College. Hell, the whole thing was set up because the Founding Fathers and those who followed thought that the overall populace of America was too stupid to vote for who they really needed.
So, I’ll give Donald Trump that. I’ll concede that he was right when he said the EC is outdated. I’ll give him that and only that.
Drizzle: Well, even deeper than that. The Founding Fathers not only hated poor people. They hated poor White people as well. When they said “vote for the President,” only about 6% of the people could vote in the general election. On top of that, there was that little thing called “slavery” that made people want to have the EC become a thing among the big wigs. Only land-owning White males from Britain or France could vote, pretty much. Everyone else could go fuck themselves.
Drizzle: But, they weren’t entirely stupid here. As even among the wealthy, most people were still fucking illiterate. So, majority of the assholes who voted still had no fucking clue who they were voting for. On top of that, whoever was the Prez? They didn’t have nearly as much power as they do now. So, even though, it was fucked-up, it was kind of a necessary evil.
Today, though? We can read. And we’re overly fucking saturated with information on candidates. For real? There’s no excuse to have the thing anymore. Fuck it.
Reason Two: Vincent Adultman.
Speed: Now, you know I don’t follow BoJack as much as I should. Especially with kids and close to zero time to myself these days. And right now, I’m dealing with a sick one. Kid, I mean. So…I think I get where you’re going with this. But, my headspace isn’t allowing me to fully comprehend it. So, lay it out for me.
Drizzle: Well, you know that Vincent is, essentially, three kids in a trench coat with a dumbass fake name.
Speed: Yeah, I know that.
Speed: Finally, let’s rag on the Liberals, too. I’m ready when you are.
Drizzle: Now, ever since Bill Clinton got impeached for getting some mouth hugs, liberals have seemingly been the assholes who wanna point out everything but do nothing. Always fighting for a fucking apology instead of actually fighting for rights. “Apologize for infringing on those peoples’ rights because they’re different.” That’s cool. But then when it comes time to fight for policy changes? Some of ’em go ghost.
Sometimes, “winning the hearts and minds” of the opponents is bullshit. Sometimes, “appealing to their better nature” is bullshit. Sometimes, you’ve gotta put your metaphorical foot on their metaphorical throat and take what you want. “Look, Trump said something mean.” WHO GIVES A FUCK?! Stop crying and do something. Now, reason number five may sound like deja vu. But, reason five is also simple. Liberals, again.
Yeah, I’m talking to all you smug assholes.
Liberals and their elitist bullshit were guilty of the same thing as their conservative counterparts. They’re in their own little world where all they hear is their own bullshit that they like. BUT!!!
But, liberals committed an even-worse crime. How? They believed and made it known that they believed that thinking the Donald was good made you stupid. And what’s one thing that dumb people hate? They hate being called dumb!
So, during their campaign, every time this motherfucker said some stupid shit, did liberals point out why it’s stupid? Did they say why it’s against the law? Did they say it was destructive?
Speed: Naw. They just saw it and said “hyuck hyuck he dumb.”
Drizzle: Sometimes, but most of the times, they snickered and laughed at the buffoon on the other side. In the words of ERB Abe Lincoln, instead of that, they needed to “wipe that creepy-ass smile off their faces and beat this dummy.” The end all is this: they’re too dense to realize that their strategy of pointing and giggling like school children and sucking in their own farts to power shit sucks. Now, conservatives? They’ve got good strategy, albeit evil strategy. Why? Because, well, they keep winning with assholes.
Now, I listed a few reasons. Speed, do you want to go in? Because I need a beer.
Speed: It’s barely even noon. Ah, fuck it. We did alcohol a few times. One day, we’ll probably return to it because yeah. Booze is as American as apple pie and hating Muslims because they don’t pray to Jesus. Yeah, I said it. I’m about to go into full rant mode.
Drizzle: Go for it.
Speed: Close-minded assholes are running the country into the fucking ground. On all sides. Liberal, conservative, libertarians. Who the fuck cares? All that ends up doing is becoming a blanket term used to describe something people don’t want to understand because it’s as scary as trans people or Black folks to some. That’s fucked-up. It’s fucking up our country and you touched on it. That fear to actually stand up for something instead of being a close-minded dumbass.
Those #MAGA folks, as assholish as they were and can be, they’re at least standing up together screaming “MAGA.”
Many of these so-called liberals and activists? They’re living in these shit-ass bubbles and thumb their noses at the lower class and wonder why they got mollywhopped in November and are legitimately powering the other side with nothing but so-called “liberal tears.”
Liberals and the Democratic party lost the election. Trump didn’t really “win,” if that makes sense. Sure, he won in the traditional sense, but only because liberals fucked around in their bubbles and let it happen.
Why did Trump win? Because he, even if he’s turning face about it now, went to the lower class and the middle class and connected with them. Hey, liberals! Instead of thinking the middle and lower class folks are all yokels, why not get out your fucking glass houses and get to know the people who really need you. Why? Because conservatives, a portion of them, they don’t give two fucks about the lower-class. If you know that, why not get grassroots with them too instead of always focusing on the same fucking groups?!
Drizzle: Conservatives, Speed?
Speed: I’m getting to them. I haven’t forgotten to rip you a new asshole, either. Some of you fear what you don’t understand. A lot of you fear that sort of shit, in my experiences. Generalization, I know. But, it’s based in truth. You don’t give people a chance and want to label them based on 9/11 or some anti-gay or anti-Black prejudice you hold in your heart. Fuck outta here. If you feel like that, I won’t tell you to drink bleach. But, I’ll tell you this. This country wouldn’t be shit without Black people, gay people, brown people, and so on. You can’t sit here and tell me that this country wouldn’t be as powerful as it is without people who aren’t just old White men. Fuck off.
Now, neither side is really right in this. And that’s why people have started to run to these third-party candidates. We could take an entire PA to talk about why third-party candidates are good and bad. Hell, I would’ve legit voted for Roseanne Barr in 2012 if Obama wasn’t there. Why? She had some ideologies that I agreed with. She, even as a celebrity, seemed to have a good head on her shoulders about politics–even though she has a few Trump leanings these days.
But, again. No one is without blood in this shit. The sooner motherfuckers realize that? The sooner we can stop being looked at some cesspool of hatred and legit make this country a great place to be. We’re all to blame. So, instead of wallowing in self-pity, I’m gonna quote Big K.R.I.T. and ask “what the fuck we gonna do now?!”