Drizzle: It’s astonishing how many of my exes I’ve seen in porn.
Speed: Seems like a good book. All My Exes Are in Porn and Other Tales. I mean, it pretty much writes itself.
Drizzle: It does. It also makes for a great Southern rap song. Imagine Three 6 or some equivalent chanting “all my exes do porn” over a crunk-trap beat. Now, I ain’t gonna lie. I be thinking of how they looked naked sometimes. But the ones I’ve seen in porn? I’m just like “I ain’t need to see all that.” It’s a common (enough) thing, I guess. But, damn.
Speed: After seeing that one girl we knew, you dated, and…well, yeah. After seeing her getting DPed to “Black Beatles,” I’m just like fuck it.
Drizzle: We’re not 100% sure that it was her, though.
Speed: I’m gonna err on the side of “she done some freaky shit with us and others before.” So…
Drizzle: I’m about 99.99% sure.
Speed: Also, to be fair, we’ve all dated our fair share of “well, I’m only gonna tape us for the sake of having something for me to play with myself to” sorts of women. That’s cool. We’ve also been around a plethora of women who’ve loved to show their goods to people. And the one in that tape, if it is her, bless her heart. She’s done a lot of showing to people over the years.
So, again, I’m not surprised that more of our collective exes are appearing on YouPorn. I am surprised, however, at the frequency of it all, though.
Drizzle: Fuck alldat. I’ve seen three girls that you know online.
Speed: Which ones? I’m curious.
Drizzle: I need to find the URLs. I mean, with revenge porn, I’ve seen like six of them. I only know it’s revenge porn because it says “hey, make this bitch famous.”
Speed: Now when you say girls I know, are we talking girls that I know or girls that I know that you’ve fucked? There’s a difference. Because–
Drizzle: I’m not talking about pornstars and Snapchat honeys you’ve interviewed. This point, I’m talking about people I have fucked on.
Speed: I know a good portion of the chicks you’ve fucked–
Drizzle: You can’t even name a quarter of the women I’ve fucked–
Speed: You probably can’t name a quarter of the women you’ve fucked. I name a name, chances are you’ve fucked someone with that name.
Drizzle: Try me.
Speed: Shanice. Ashley.
Drizzle: See? I’ve never fucked a Shanice.
Speed: Wasn’t that one fitness model named Shanice or something?
Drizzle: Maybe? I don’t remember. Try again. I’m giving you a redo.
Drizzle: You know I’ve fucked a Lauren…or six. I mean, who’s counting?
Speed: Aren’t we counting? Maybe I just know most of your “girlfriends” and serious chicks you’ve rocked with over the years. Plus, we’ve pretty much lived together for over four years. Five if you count when I was back in Baltimore in 2015 after my mom died and all that.
Drizzle: But, I was saying. Name some girls I’ve boned.
Speed: My brain is shot these days. Show me a face and I’ll probably be able to say “hey, you fucked her.” Names? You, before Lady Drizzle, never really got names. Just souls and vaginas. Shit, I remember you smashed like four different women in a weekend, still had time to go to Bentley’s for work and still had time to party and play 360 with Jimbo and me. So, excuse the fuck out of me for not knowing a name.
Drizzle: Good times. The point is this, though. Girls be hoeing on camera.
Speed: Back when we played the field, it was kind of frowned upon. Now, chicks are out here–dudes too–getting paid nothing but some notoriety–and that’s it–all to suck the black off some dick on IG. Like, not even cash or real recognition like some of these folks. Just a poof bloop blip on someone’s timeline.
Now? It’s harder to find a woman who hasn’t put her nudes out here on IG or Twitter or PornHub. And I’m not shaming y’all. Hell, I’ve supported some of your endeavors. Plus, I ran a porn site in college and have probably had my dick pics disseminated throughout the land. Who in the everlasting fuck am I to judge? But, damn y’all.
Drizzle: I thought of hoeing on camera.
Speed: Same here.
Drizzle: I had an in to the game and everything. But, then, I was like “do I really wanna have some dude an inch from my balls with a camera?” And I was like “naw” and deaded the idea. But, what’s worse than that is having exes hit me up on some “let’s fuck” shit.
Speed: I thought that us talking about your marriage and not playing the field and not doing whatever–in various PAs–would have solved that problem.
Speed: Wanna talk about it?
Drizzle: Eh, I’m good. So, I sent a meme to someone about Aaron Hernandez. The meme had a picture of him smiling with the caption “LMAO I’M DEAD.” Too soon or nah?
Speed: Eh. He kind of deserved it. He was a convicted murderer (damn what Massachusetts law says about exonerating him because he died), a thug, a smug asshole, a waste of a human being, a waste of potential, and the Patriots saw fit to bring him on knowing that he had a lot of those things already in his corner.
Drizzle: But, Gucci Mane isn’t a Patriots player.
Speed: What’s you’re point? Why does it matter that Hernandez was a Pat or why do we forgive some murderers and criminals and not others?
Drizzle: Gucci Mane is everything that Hernandez was, except a Patriots player.
Speed: But, he’s also not dead. So, I couldn’t make the joke. I mean, if I’m gonna be an asshole, I–at least–want to be correct in my assholery. Besides, the joke would have to be changed to “BRRR. I’M DEAD” for it to make the same sort of trolly, meme-y sense.
Drizzle: I approve. So, imagine this. I’m talking to Lady Drizzle about her favorite Batman movies. Guess which one she said was her favorite? The one with Mr. Freeze. I…I just can’t right now.
Speed: So, not even Lego Batman or Dark Knight or Burton’s Batman 89 or any one of a number of vastly superior films? She said that Batman & Robin, Bat-Credit Card and all, was her favorite Batman movie?
Maybe she meant in a so bad, it’s good way in that some people say The Room is their favorite movie?
Drizzle: My world is shattered.
Speed: Well, it could be worse. I think. She could think that Ang Lee’s Hulk was legitimately a good movie.
Drizzle: I ain’t gonna ask. Why? Well, she could think that The Last Airbender was good.
Speed: Oh God. What if she does?
Speed: Fair enough. I’ve learned to not ask the questions we don’t want the answers to. Why? You’re bound to be disappointed in yourself and others more often than not. Sure, we need answers to hard questions, but damn. I still think it’s in an ironic sort of way.
Speed: Well, then…I don’t know what to say to that.
Speed: Maybe she has some fond memory attached to it. I think the Madea movies are trash, but I remember my mom liking them so I’m not as gutting as I could be towards them from a critical standpoint. Or maybe she genuinely thinks that B&R is a good film…at which point, you need to question if your entire life is a lie.
Drizzle: Uma Thurman.
Speed: What about her, besides her being in B&R?
Drizzle: She likes Uma Thurman.
Speed: I like Terrence Howard. That doesn’t mean that Get Rich or Die Tryin is my favorite movie…or even a good movie. As bad-ass as Uma and Terrance can be, both of the films I’ve named are pretty subpar. But, to each their own, I guess.