If you’re like me, you may be located in Baltimore. If so, welcome and glad to have you here. SOTB loves the city where he was raised, if you couldn’t tell by the Oriole orange Baltimore skyline that’s served as my logo since forever and a day. With that out of the way, a few days ago, the latest iteration of The Penthouse Club opened its doors. Rather, it reopened them–with fine dining-caliber food, no less–after an extensive renovation.

Color me interested. Opinionated, but interested.

SOTB.com isn’t an X-rated site and is mostly on a PG-13 level. Although I have interviewed adult creators over the years (hi Aurora Jolie), SOTB isn’t solely meant for the T&A crowd. Since it’s not “meant” for the T&A crowd, you’re going to get these opinions–not n00dz. I believe that most of you reading SOTB are adults, though, so let’s be real with ourselves. If my kids read this one day before AI dooms us all, it is what it is. Just know I never cho(o)se booty over fatherhood. Some have, but Papa Speed isn’t one of them. As an adult, I also don’t care what you do with yourselves–if you’re a dancer or a customer. I’m never the one to judge as I’ve seen my share of clubs over the years. As long as what you do isn’t actively hurting anyone–yourself included–or outright illegal, do what you want.

In August, I’ll be 38. I say that to say that I’m “remember when Ritz Cabaret was going to have a steakhouse” years old. I have been around enough to form a slightly-educated opinion on what I’m saying here. All in all, Baltimore isn’t really an “I ate high-end steaks, had some caviar and saw ballet at the strip club” type of town. Baltimore isn’t some podunk 500-person town in the middle of nowhere. But, it’s also not NYC, Atlanta, or Miami. Million-dollar-amassing dancers don’t come to Baltimore that often. Also, Baltimoreans don’t typically want their big-ass steaks paired with asses that’ll swallow up a G-string.

Ritz Cabaret’s steakhouse idea died on the vine, partly due to this fact.

Now, I’m not saying that Penthouse 2.0 (3.0?) can’t change the general mindset that the average Baltimorean–or the average American–has regarding Baltimore’s adult establishments. Even still, your average Baltimorean strip club goer isn’t going to go asscheek over teakettle for higher-end restaurant prices for food at one. After all, most who want steak can usually get it without going asscheek over teakettle in the first place. Granted, the review showcases that this isn’t exactly a club for your typical Baltimorean strip club goer. So, I could be way off base here.

It could revitalize the Baltimore NSFW nightlife scene as a whole. It may even flourish like when The Block (a collection of clubs on the 400 block of East Baltimore Street for those not from the area) was “THE BLOCK.” It could also be gone in three-to-five years. We shall see. However, opening a fine dining-caliber restaurant/strip club in Baltimore, circa 2026 is a gamble. I don’t wish failure on it, because people’s jobs are at stake if it does go–and I promise this is the last pun–tits up. But I acknowledge it’ll be a tough sell. It was a tough sell in the 2010s and, given the state of the world now, it’s likely even more so.

Let’s look at the Baltimore NSFW club scene as a whole. I’m no “club gawd,” but I’m painfully aware that COVID changed the game for many a club, in Baltimore and elsewhere. And given how some clubs have struggled, in one way or another, since COVID? You could even make an argument that Baltimore and its surrounding area is becoming less and less of a strip club town, period. The Block, for what it is, hasn’t had the same aura about/to it since 2020–nor the same resilience, financially-speaking. Some clubs have come and gone, been replaced by others, and then had those close down or what have you. The once-bustling Hustler Club had its issues and eventually packed it in and, unlike a Chez Joey, that was an international brand.

I can’t really speak on county or county-adjacent spots, like Millstream, The Gold Club, or Christina’s. I have never frequented them on a regular basis. I mean, Christina’s looks more like a strip club you’d see in a cheesy ’80s movie (Road House comes to mind). The people there are surprisingly cool to Black and Brown people, given its biker club hangout vibes. Since I’m not at these places often/at all, I can only truly go off of what I’ve heard from patrons who frequent them and the dancers who work there on occasion. Based on that, these locales have seen ebbs and flows, with more ebbs than flows at some points over the last 5-7 years. Smaller venues like the aforementioned Ritz Cabaret and The Goddess sometimes meet similar fates.

Speaking of Goddess, the establishment, located on South Eutaw Street, is spitting distance from Camden Yards.

Baseball fans may be interested to know Babe Ruth’s father ran a bar out of the building in the early 20th century. Sadly, 38 S. Eutaw Street is where the elder Ruth lost his life in a bar brawl in 1918. If you go into Goddess, you’ll see various homages to its history–or infamy, depending on how you look at it. That’s one of the reasons why I first became intrigued by it. Goddess itself survived Babe Ruth’s father’s death, being a bunch of other places before becoming a booty club, and just about anything else. The club, while some are unaware of its existence compared to The Block, is venerable and resilient like its talent, word to folks like Valentina.

I said what I said.

I mean, you can’t get much more resilient than the club as a whole surviving meeting its architectural maker in September 2024. That’s when Jano, a now-shuttered Ethiopian restaurant on the same block of South Eutaw Street, caught on fire. That massive fire claimed Jano, a Thai restaurant, and a lounge named Docs by the Clock and severely damaged an area liquor store. Aside from the liquor store, Goddess is the only one that remained in a state where it could be salvaged–and even the liquor store took more time than the Goddess’ folks did to remove the boarded windows and the like.

However, even the resiliency of a Block club or a Goddess can’t wholly combat against a changed world.

Don’t get me wrong, Baltimore’s clubs still can turn up when need be. I mean, if one club or another can survive shootouts, fires, police crackdowns, brawls, people recording having sex in the champagne room, typical club dealings and pretty much anything and everything else, the concept of a Baltimore strip club will always be a thing. But it’s just not the same as it was before COVID, point blank. With inflation being prevalent, more clubgoers going the “yo shordie you gotta OF” route (that’s another story for another time), and a general decline in drinking, clubs, bars, etc. have had to adapt or perish. Some have, others hold on by the skin of their dancers, others still have unfortunately perished. Add that to a decline in the desire for people to really interact face-to-face, and you’ve got a recipe for empty clubs. Inversely, you’ve got a playbook for a club with twenty-five girls and five customers. Out of those five customers:

• two probably won’t tip anything more than $2.74 per dancer, per set (or $2.74 per dancer total for the three hours they’re there either nursing one beer or downing 12 shots)
• one will literally be in there for one girl and the rest will get utterly stankfaced like their breath smells rank (rude much?)
• one will talk a big game and then try to parlay their money talk into getting a dancer or three to come out with them (which can go one of a multitude of ways)
• one will drink a beer, watch a part of whatever game is on and dip out after 30 minutes (without a tip, mind you)
• one will be like me – someone who has a preferred talent, understands that tipping is highly appreciated (since, like bartending, stripping is a customer service job) but doesn’t often go crazy, spending-wise–even when money is slightly flush and the drinks are (for better or worse) flowing

All in all, times have changed. The fact that The Penthouse is going for “something different” could be the thing that keeps it from being a casualty of post-COVID NSFW entertainment. It could be the thing that helps push other clubs to go hard in their promotions and, as theorized, kickstart a NSFW club renaissance in Baltimore. The uniqueness of Penthouse–and other Baltimore clubs, but Penthouse especially–may tempt more people to go and you’ll end up with every club having much more foot traffic, more revenue, and more It could be gone in five years and be looked at as a fond oddity because it mixed juicy steaks with T&A. I’m no prognosticator, nor am I a club gawd or anything of the sort. I’m just Speed. And, like Penthouse (or any club), at the end of the day, that’s all I can be. Don’t take this as gospel, just take it as a guy who’s seen enough clubs to see several shifts over the years.

Good luck, guys. I just wish that you added more color to the exterior. Given that The Penthouse Club is a quick walk away from Baltimore Central Booking, it’s still giving jail vibes. Yes, even with the billboard and the strips of neon lights.

It’s a joke, don’t ban me.