July 24, 2012
Hyattsville Circuit Court
I just walked out of a courthouse in Hyattsville, family in tow. Holding a paper with the two words that secured my freedom, “Nolle Prosequi,” I was elated, but I still had a heavy heart. I, Speed on the Beat, had been to my lowest points, and even was arrested and charged for some of them. But, as I began to pick up the pieces, I started to wonder “what now?”
The woman who I wronged, the woman who I still loved, Raquel, she had moved on a bit to other things. This was mainly my fault, as I told her that I couldn’t be with her while fearing for my life/freedom with the charges I had against me. They’re common knowledge, so I’ll just reiterate what’s already known.
On the early morning of April 14, 2012–a Saturday–after barhopping in College Park, and after being pretty damn depressed and “fuck life,” I has already taken my anti-anxiety and anti-depressants for the day before I left for work. But, I decided to say fuck that and still go out. After barhopping, at a little bit before 2AM, I drunkenly got into my rental car. I tried to turn on the radio, but instead turned over the ignition. Long story short, I was charged, arrested, and processed for all the DUI things, had to serve “alcoholic rehabilitation courses,” and would’ve gone to jail had it not been my first actual offense. It’s funny when I think about it. After all the shit that I’d done in my life, it was a non-moving vehicle that I actually got pinched over. I didn’t lose my job over it, contrary to belief–but my coworkers did look at me a bit different, especially since I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to come in the day after it happened. But, I digress.
The day that I was noll prossed, I knew that I had two choices: either continue down this path of destruction or own up and say “hey, this isn’t the way that I want to do in my life.” The arrest was a wake-up call because I know now that had I decided to drive home in the state I was in, I very well could’ve killed someone or myself. So, I began rebuilding my relationship with Raquel, but of course, she still was with other people. I can’t blame her. I mean, I was all but a dead man walking. For me to randomly say “hey I love you, let’s make it work” after my season of unhingedness, it would seem insincere. Plus, I didn’t deserve her to fly back into my arms at that point. So, I told her that I want to be better, for everyone. But, being better, it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Even though I knew she still loved me, there were some things that hindered me from completely evolving.
I first had to go through my Thursday demons.
September 22, 2012
True and I, since we were going through similar shit, often ended up barhopping down Fell’s Point. We acted as each other’s support system, to keep the other from going too far off the deep end when things got too crazy. Even when we went to what became out “homestead,” Ritz Cabaret, we kept each other from losing our minds over pussy that wasn’t ours. This Saturday, I didn’t have him with me. I had a large amount of cash in my pocket. I was, probably, unjustly pissed with Raquel because she brought up the name of some guy she talked to during our break. I was bored. So, I found myself at The Ritz because, well, I wanted to see something.
I don’t think that I need to go too much more into that scenario. Mostly because reasons. But, the point that remains is this: these Thursday (and Saturday, and Friday, and…) demons shaped me. They made me see “ok, so now I’ve gone out and done things that some people would only dream of.” This shit is not for me. I realized this, oddly enough, the last time “Latoya’s” pussy was in my face in her attempt to have me nose-fuck her. I’m not human, so I know that things happen sometimes in my life. But, this experience made me realize that I had to keep my shit together and make sure that I could be a man that my child would want to be like.
(Part Two will deal more my relationship with my son, before and after the evolution of Speed)