Our film’s…legacy(?) begins a year-plus ago when Sunny, down on her luck from her WWE days, decided to do two things. First, she started taking Skype sessions and camming with folks. Now, you know me. I love cammers. I’m all for cammers. Cammers are greatness. But, many within the wrestling business were just like “dammit Sunny. Not again” to the whole thing. I mean, we’ve seen Sunny go lower than low a few times before, as discussed in my WIRTB of Sunny’s career over on EyesontheRing.com. And this, in some ways, was seen by many wrestling fans and insiders as another notch on the sad belt known as the post-WWF career of Tamara Lynn Sytch.

The second thing was that Sunny decided to auction off her WWE Hall of Fame ring to the highest bidder.

That, like the cam thing, isn’t all that bad. Some people do that when it comes to Hall of Fame rings. Doesn’t make them bad, per se. However, considering why Sunny was primed to auction off the ring and how she got into the situation she was in (not admitting she needed a boatload of help), it’s a bit less admirable. It’s more sad than anything and you just want to wrap her up, give her some tea, and give her a hug. If you’re struggling with addiction problems, yes, it’s harder to admit “hey I need help” sometimes. However, if you’ve knowingly gone back and forth with these demons (even after you’ve been offered help and have taken said help) and still ended up back to the point you’re doing some of the same stuff? I have a bit less sympathy for you. But, no one’s perfect.

Anyway…

Vivid Entertainment, big baller porn company who, a year-or-so prior to Sunny Side Up, scored money with a similarly-themed porno starring Teen Mom Farrah Abraham, reached out to Sunny. Show us the goods and we’ll give you cash so you can keep that gaudy-ass WWE ring. Sunny, since she’s no stranger to showing the goods, said “coolio” and we got Sunny Side Up.

The porn isn’t laughably bad or disgusting or anything. It’s more so just…painfully dull. See, if I have someone like Jack Napier talking to some lily-white girl in jive as he jabs her with his member, that’s funny. Racist, but funny. It’ll make me laugh and hate myself on the inside. That’s, somehow, still a decent porno. Why? Because, in those laughs, you also remember it and’ll probably crack up if you see a Jack Napier porn again because you’re expecting him to be all “yo baby, yo baby, yo. Lemme get a whiff of ‘dat ass'” or something. 

If you see Two Girls, One Cup, it’s gross as hell. But, it ingrains itself into your memory to the point you’re still bound to get a reaction (not erection, unless you’re into that sort of thing) from thinking about it years later. It’s memorable like that, for all the wrong (or right, again, if you’re into that sort of thing) reasons.

Sunny Side Up, again, is neither of those things. It’s just by-the-book, “we’re both bored to death by this,” porno boinking. And that’s what makes it bad. See, you go to porn, even amateur porn, to kind of escape a bit. You go to, if you’re feeling a bit “Can’t Keep My Hands to Myself”-like or whatever, watch and do what you do. You go to see people interested in having sex or self-love. You go to, at times, have a bit of an over-the-top, borderline unrealistic reaction within the porn because of the over(?)-interest in sex and/or self-love. But, at the least, you want to see people who want to have sex. If I wanted to see someone uninterested in sexing, I’d just think about myself in 2012 (man that was a tough period).

The male suitor, some bald cross between Ryback and Mr. Kennedy with, like, half the steroids, seemed uninterested in Sunny. She was never that good of an actor, so she definitely seemed uninterested in him. What, did she not want to do good sex scenes? Was she waiting for the guy to be replaced by the wooden plank she’s more accustomed to? Was he waiting for his paycheck? Did either one of them forget to turn off the stove? Or did Sunny want to save her…best for the sequel where she boned some Black guy in a BLM hoodie? We all know how much she loves Black Lives Matter and, you know, Black lives. 

The hyped up “in through the backdoor” scene was…well, it left a lot to be desired, I’ll say that much. Now, backdoor love, it’s an acquired taste for some. Some people love it, some like it, and others only do it because it pleases their partner (which isn’t cool; love the sex you have for you, not your partner). The backdoor love in SSU was neither of these. It was some sad combination of sheer boredom and complete apathy. The male partner, he seemingly became more and more annoyed with her porn moans. Meanwhile, Sunny’s trying to act like she’s having the time of her life, but she looks just…sad. I’m not talking physically, just like blank stares and exaggerated sex noises throughout.

And this whole thing goes on for about an hour or so, from opening to closing. You know what I could’ve been doing with that hour-or-so of my time? Actually having sex for one. Watching some old school RAW for two. Hell, I could’ve just gotten in a couple MLB: The Show games for my “Road To The Show” player (go, digital O’s; just pay me more). All of those things are more exciting and more enriching than Sunny Side Up.

God, now I know what The Cinema Snob felt like while watching that Pokemon porno spoof. Hell, I would’ve taken that twice over Sunny Side Up. At least it had a vibrator fighting a Fleshlight. That‘s genius compared to this crap. If you’re in the search of pseudo-celebrity porn, there’s so many better options. I would rather see Sunny get slathered in eggs than watch this turd of a porno again.

…ok, maybe not that far, but it’s still pretty bad.

Do I wish Sunny the best in life? Yeah. She’s done nothing to harm me (my brain cells, maybe. But not me, personally), so why not? Do I hope she never appears in another porno for as long as the Earth is in existence? Oh, heavens yes!