Drizzle: So, I just realized that I was dickmatizing girls back in college.
Speed: This is a thing. I mean, we’ve all had our moments.
Drizzle: I mean, nah man. Like, the stroke game I was using, I was doing what felt bosssome to me. I didn’t realize that the stroke was designed to make women fall head over heels in love with your ass.
Speed: I mean, I’m aware of the death stroke–
Drizzle: Should we throw a “pause” on that?
Speed: None needed. I’m talking about my own stroke game. I give zero fucks about your’s.
Drizzle: But, see this is why shameless plugs are bad for business. I’m sitting here talking about dickmatizing women with my stroke game and you up here respond with “yeah, I’m aware of the death stroke.” Now, you don’t want to get an IRL gay dude’s hopes up in thinking that they may have a chance with you if they find you sexy. I know what you meant, but there may be need a “pause” needed.
Speed: Potentially toxic masculinity aside–
Drizzle: Another topic for another day. I’ve got some shit for that, too. But, anywho, I had something I was going to say about hair, but forgot what it was.
Speed: What, that you love pulling on it when you’re fucking a woman from the back?
Drizzle: No, something more innocent. Like, you know, child hair and shit.
Speed: Ah. Well, that is a struggle. A beautiful struggle, but a struggle. I know this well. My youngest Speed hasn’t had a haircut since birth. He’s almost two. But, he’s got this curly-ass afro going on that needs maintenance every single day or else he looks like Soul Glo.
So, yeah. I can only imagine what the parents of daughters are going through.
Drizzle: Well, I’ve been doing babygirl’s hair since she was three. I have–maybe–one girl’s experience. And I washed another girl’s hair while I was fucking her in the shower. So, two girls. Anyways…I used to look up whatever Blue Ivy was wearing whenever I needed to do this three-year-old’s hair. Then, I’d YouTube some way to do it. Now, I’m gangsta with it, but I’m looking up whatever Zendaya had last.
Speed: She’s fucking awesome.
Drizzle: ‘Cause her queen ass been showing up to shit with her hair pulling all sorts of middle fingers to straight hair. And I’m just like “thank God she ain’t do that abomination that was that Lifetime Aaliyah movie.”
Speed: Poor Alexandra Shipp. That and X-Men: Apocalypse. All in the course of a few years. Well, hey. At least she was cool as Kim in Straight Outta Compton. Now, they’re both bosses in their own right. But Zendaya? She’s on a whole ‘nother level of bawse.
Drizzle: This woman hopped on to the Met Gala holding her fro hair out in every picture. Speed, pull up a picture for the folks reading this. Matter fact, get two.
Speed: Slay, queen, slay. And yes, I did just say that. Fuck you if you’ve a problem with it.
Drizzle: Ever since that White lady–
Speed: Guiliana Rancic–
Drizzle: Who cares? Ever since she said Zendaya’s hair looked bad, she’s been strutting out natural looks like “eat it, bitch.” And I LOVE IT! She’s got that “I’ma cum in a dude’s face and dip and he’ll thank me for the experience” look on her face whenever White folk snap pictures. And it pleases me, personally. Why? Well, I’m the negus who hates the fact that Black women are made to dislike shit that looks good on them and are, instead, told to “look White.” So, any girl, woman, whoever that’s doing this? They’re awesome to me.
I’m not gonna be out here straightening no four-year-old’s hair so bitch-ass White people can be comfortable. Shit, I’ll throw a pick with a fist on it in her hair and feel like I earned myself a beer for doing it.
Speed: So, what if she comes to you saying “I wanna have straight hair?” Would you deny the request or…?
Drizzle: Why would she want straight hair? White hoes don’t even want straight hair no more. Ever hear of a curling iron? A Black woman ain’t make that…
Speed: But, you still ain’t answer the question.
Drizzle: It all depends on the why.
Speed: Just for the sake of changing it up? No real reason other than “daddy, I want to try something new.”
Drizzle: I teach her to be different than girls tend to get taught. I teach her that her appearance isn’t who she is.
Speed: I got that. But what if some influential kid’s show starlet has hair that’s straight. Babygirl says “I wanna have hair like so-and-so.”
Drizzle: Eh. Her appearance, while it isn’t who she is, it is an extension of her. It’s much like how my hand is an extension of me. It’s simple. Use it as a utility. Use it to get what you want. Never use it to give others what they want and get you to end up with nothing.
In other words, don’t degrade yourself. Be yourself. But, if you know they’re gonna take you more seriously in a pantsuit, wear the pantsuit. If you’re gonna hoop better with your hair in a ponytail? Ponytail that shit. If you wanna “look White?” Fuck no, I’m cornrowing your shit and make you look extra gangsta until you appreciate your hair and yourself.
Man, I just want her to be comfortable walking outside like Zendaya.
“Fuck everybody but me.” “Snapchat is for thots.” “Who wants to be a puppy anyway?” “This is specifically for your, Giuliana Rancic.”
I want babygirl to have some white dude call her hair nappy and then show up the next day looking like Sistah Girl from Undercover Brother just to fuck his day up and ask him “nappy enough for you, bitch?”